I just wanted to wish you all a Merry Christmas and send you a little Christmas gift! Last year our family started a fun little tradition where we made a family CD of music that was special to us (with our kids singing). It turned out so well that we decided to do it again this year! This year, our theme was "favorite hymns." Rick and the kids chose their favorite hymns, and recorded them. Consider it your e-Christmas gift from us - (I think it's better than cookies.)
Go here to listen (click on each song one at a time to hear all of them). And don't miss out on our three year old's version of "Keep The Commandments" It will definitely make you smile!
Christmas Gift Family CD
Have a wonderful Holiday Season!
Wendy
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Each Life That Touches Ours For Good
I know that all of you have touched the lives of other people for good and felt that love from other people in return. This is a free song for you of one of our favorite hymns called, "Each Life That Touches Ours For Good" arranged and sung by my husband. We hope you enjoy it and pass it along to your friends and loved ones! Click below to enjoy!
Each Life That Touches Ours For Good
Each Life That Touches Ours For Good
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
1000 Questions For Couples
This would be a fun gift for Christmas for your spouse or loved one:
1000 Questions For Couples
One of our readers wrote: "In order for my husband and I to grow closer together, we ordered the book "1000 Questions For Couples" by Michael Webb. Each day my husband and I pick a question from the book to ask each other. I have found that I like to have time to think about a question before answering it and so we each e-mail a question to each other (while he is at work and I am at home).
This gives us a chance to really think about the question and formulate a clear response. It helps us to get to know each other better and grow closer together. It has also sparked some
wonderful intimate discussions!" Here is the web-site:
1000 Questions For Couples
Here is a similar testimonial from the site:
"My husband and I have been emailing 3-4 of the questions and our answers each day for the last month and it has had the most wonderful effect on our relationship. I felt that we had just been 'coasting' for a while but now we are more in love than we have been in our 17 years together. And the resulting passion has been amazing."
Barbara Koen
For more information go to:
1000 Questions For Couples
1000 Questions For Couples
One of our readers wrote: "In order for my husband and I to grow closer together, we ordered the book "1000 Questions For Couples" by Michael Webb. Each day my husband and I pick a question from the book to ask each other. I have found that I like to have time to think about a question before answering it and so we each e-mail a question to each other (while he is at work and I am at home).
This gives us a chance to really think about the question and formulate a clear response. It helps us to get to know each other better and grow closer together. It has also sparked some
wonderful intimate discussions!" Here is the web-site:
1000 Questions For Couples
Here is a similar testimonial from the site:
"My husband and I have been emailing 3-4 of the questions and our answers each day for the last month and it has had the most wonderful effect on our relationship. I felt that we had just been 'coasting' for a while but now we are more in love than we have been in our 17 years together. And the resulting passion has been amazing."
Barbara Koen
For more information go to:
1000 Questions For Couples
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
They Will Notice
A friend of mine gave some great advice in her blog, "Kweenmama's Kastle," and I asked if I could share it with you. Here it is!
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This morning I wore the new slippers Mack gave me. Yesterday, after church, I wore the new flip-flops Hoob gave me. Before I leave the house today I will put on the new necklace and earrings Huh gave me. And this afternoon I will “pick a flower” that has a popsicle stick stem and see what chore Yawlin is willing to do for me.
Something that I’ve noticed is that my kids notice when I use and appreciate the gifts they give me. I will always treasure the memory I have of Huh getting a big grin on her face last Christmas break when I put my hand near her nose and said, “Smell how good the lotion you gave me smells.”
A little while ago I purposely wore a “pearler bead” necklace that Yawlin made me last year. It was fun to be running errands with him and have him suddenly say with pride, “You’re wearing the necklace I made you!”
My fingernail polish is housed in a salt dough bowl that Hoob made me a few years ago. A portrait that Mack drew hangs on our magnetic door that leads to the garage. I have three different sets of slippers that I can wear when my feet get cold and lots and lots of homemade jewelry.
One of the best ways to boost a kid’s self-esteem, and an easy way to show your love in return, is to use and appreciate the gifts they give you. So wear that stretched out bracelet. Drink from that lopsided mug. Hang up that colorful picture that makes you look like you are an alien. Eat those runny eggs and the burnt toast with gusto. Gifts were meant to be used, and the love our kids show us needs to be appreciated.
They will notice.
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Friday, April 24, 2009
Squeezing In Exercise
Exercise is something I am really passionate about. I have always made it a priority to exercise throughout my life. Since having kids, it is harder, but more important than ever. It hasn't always been easy and I've often had to change the type (or time) of my work-outs in order to fit whatever situation I am in. When I had one baby I bought a jogger stroller and brought her with me. When I had two, I bought a double jogger stroller and brought them both along on my runs. I would do my run and then jog to the park and let them play and then run home. When I had three kids (no, I didn't buy a triple jogger stroller -- but I thought about it) it was a little more difficult to get out. I couldn't take all three kids with me and so I either had to exercise when my hubby was home to watch the kids or do aerobics at home. Then I had a couple more kids and got a gym membership and worked out early in the morning before everyone else was awake. Later on (after another baby) I switched to a different gym that had a child care. I brought ALL of my kids to the kids center while I worked out. The kids loved the kids center and I got in a terrific workout. I took an intensive kick-boxing class which I loved. A year or so later, however, I got pregnant again and it was too much for me to keep up with and so I let the membership lapse. Now that the baby is here, I go walking or running in the mornings before my husband goes to work. I love it. I crave the quiet "me" time. The fresh cool morning air is so invigorating and always lifts my spirits. I enjoy taking in the beautiful scenery around me, and listening to the birds sing. It is very calming and it is during this time that I can actually think without any kids screaming in the background. I usually work out between 30 and 60 minutes, five days a week. My husband is one of those people that hates exercise and it worries me. Obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart problems run in both our families. I have seen the miserable and dangerous affects that a lack of exercise can cause in one's life. I will do everything I can to prevent such health problems and hopefully he will come around too! Since he lives only a half mile from his job, I often walk him to work, so at least he is getting something! Exercise program or not, losing weight has not always been easy. Currently I have a seven month old baby (my seventh child) and have struggled with losing the pregnancy weight. Just within the past couple of weeks the scale has finally started to change for the better but I still have a ways to go. But I have many reasons for exercise besides just losing weight, however. Exercising makes me a better mom. I have more energy and feel better about myself when I exercise and that certainly spills over into my home life. I feel less stressed and better able to cope with the constant demands of parenthood. Another benefit is that I am setting a good example to my children. I want to instill within them a love of physical activity and teach them that our bodies are precious and we need to take care of them. I don't think we can let "lack of time" be an excuse. It is a matter of priorities. Even if my house is a disaster and I have half a dozen loads of laundry to be done, I still put my work-out first. There will always be housework -- it is never ending (especially in a family as large as ours is). But if my health fails then I won't be able to take care of my kids OR my house and so my health comes first (that includes getting enough sleep too)! It is never too late to start exercising. My sister always hated exercising. I don't know what changed but a couple years ago she started working out and now she loves it. She lost a lot of weight and looks fabulous! So my plug for today is start some sort of exercise and then build on it. You don't have to go out and start training for a Marathon. Take it one step at a time. I am trying to get back into running and it hasn't been easy. The first time (after having my baby) that I went running, I barely made it to the end of the street. I was sore for the rest of the day and the next. Then I went running again and went twice as far before I realized, "Hey, I just ran that whole way without passing out!" It has improved since then. I am certainly no where near where I was during my high school track days, but it is coming. Our bodies are forgiving thank goodness! So, join with me -- let's get moving!!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Losing It...
I recently discovered a new web site called Juice Box Jungle that features weekly video programs on various parenting topics. The current program is called “Losing it.” I have seven kids ages thirteen years down to six months. And they are awesome kids. But with so many children, it is definitely easy to "lose it." In fact, I am constantly losing something (but unfortunately it is NOT pounds)! I am always searching for lost shoes, socks, school papers, keys...and my sanity!
I think we all go through various “difficult” stages with our children. The kids that push my button the most right now are my four year old and two year old. The others definitely have their moments as well, but it is these two (and maybe because I am with them ALL DAY LONG with no break) that really test my patience!
This morning my four year old kept bumping the baby in her swing. After telling her repeatedly to stop, she proceeded to fix herself a bowl of raisin bran spilling the entire contents all over the floor. Just after I swept that up I turn around to hear her sobbing. She is on the snack bar (don't ask me why) and somehow accidentally sat in her brother’s bowl of cereal. Now she is wailing again with milk running down her legs and dress. I am trying to keep my cool while peeling the dress from her soggy body. She starts to whine, “But I want to wear the pink dress!!”
Now my two year old is also shrieking. He has the loudest, highest pitch scream I have ever heard. If things don’t go his way he can transform right before my eyes from the sweetest little boy you ever saw to a raging monster. He is sitting at a little high chair attached to the snack bar with some raisins. One accidentally falls to the floor and you would think he has just been bitten by a poisonous snake judging from the piercing scream erupting from his lips. Suddenly he forgets that he is quite adept at speaking and resorts to incomprehensible blood-curdling shrieks. Meanwhile I am standing by with my hands clamped over my ears attempting to remind him to “use words” and “ask nicely.”
Keeping ones cool amongst a sea of chaos can be extremely difficult to say the least. I liked JBJ’s video suggestion of watching “Super Nanny” so that you don’t feel so bad about your own children’s behavior. I have watched this with my kids…."those children are being very naughty! I am sure glad that you kids never act like that (hint hint)!” Another great stress reliever is to try and keep a sense of humor (I know, easier said, than done). After all, what is so funny about my two year old shrieking, "I want spaghettios!" over and over at 7:30 in the morning?
My husband is better than me at laughing when our kids' throw tantrums and whine. He pulled out the video-camera on our sobbing six year old daughter: "Wow! You are good! Look at those tears -- what an actress! “I’m gonna show this to your first date!” Her screams are getting louder and louder by the second but by this time we are laughing so hard we don’t care!
Unfortunately my husband is not usually home during the day to keep my sense of humor in check and so sometimes I have to resort to other methods – like picturing my neighbors peering in the windows. Or hiding away in my bedroom for a quick breather. Praying often helps too. My sister-in-law said that she made a conscious choice to not yell anymore and that it made a vast improvement in their home (see next post for her story). I try to ignore tantrums whenever I can so as not to reward that kind of misbehavior. I even resorted to wearing ear plugs for awhile.
Today my six year old and four year old were arguing to the point of getting physical. I told them that they were making my heart hurt and that I was going to cry. My six year old’s eyes filled with tears and she gave me a hug and said she was sorry. My four year old followed suit. I don’t even care if it was a guilt trip – it worked.
Do I ever lose it with my kids? Of course. Do I apologize? Yes. And from that my kids have learned to apologize too when they lose it. At least they have learned that I am not perfect, but I am trying. And so can they.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
The on-going experiment...
My sister-in-law, Alicia, recently wrote this post in her blog and I thought that it had some great wisdom for all of us as parents and so I asked for her permission to pass it along to you. She writes:
"It seems to me that the blogs I read (or at least mine) tend to focus on the good things in life...trips to the zoo, funny things my kids have said, exciting events or fun activities that are always happening around here. So I've put off blogging about this experiment for a little while for a couple reasons. First, because I am not proud of how this experiment started and second because I wanted to make sure it was more of a permanent change than a whim. That being said, here is the story.
About a month ago I realized a big change I needed to make in myself. I found myself becoming increasingly irritable, frustrated, and unpleasant. And I was yelling. Not all the time, but enough that it worried me. So one evening, I realized that I needed to make a conscious choice. Was I going to be a mom/wife who yells? Or one who doesn't? For me that was not a hard choice to make. I decided to choose to be a mom who doesn't yell. Now there isn't, to my knowledge anyway, a 12-step program to reduce yelling in the home, so I decided to just take it a day at a time and stop yelling. Cold Turkey.
And somehow, it worked! The first week was especially difficult. I had to employ deep breathing techniques, set my jaw, bite my tongue...whatever it took. When the first week was over, the next week was even easier. Now, 4 weeks later, I have no desire to yell in anger. I love what this change has done in our home. We are all happier and my stress levels have decreased. The feeling of peace in our home is great.
(Posted by Alicia)
"It seems to me that the blogs I read (or at least mine) tend to focus on the good things in life...trips to the zoo, funny things my kids have said, exciting events or fun activities that are always happening around here. So I've put off blogging about this experiment for a little while for a couple reasons. First, because I am not proud of how this experiment started and second because I wanted to make sure it was more of a permanent change than a whim. That being said, here is the story.
About a month ago I realized a big change I needed to make in myself. I found myself becoming increasingly irritable, frustrated, and unpleasant. And I was yelling. Not all the time, but enough that it worried me. So one evening, I realized that I needed to make a conscious choice. Was I going to be a mom/wife who yells? Or one who doesn't? For me that was not a hard choice to make. I decided to choose to be a mom who doesn't yell. Now there isn't, to my knowledge anyway, a 12-step program to reduce yelling in the home, so I decided to just take it a day at a time and stop yelling. Cold Turkey.
And somehow, it worked! The first week was especially difficult. I had to employ deep breathing techniques, set my jaw, bite my tongue...whatever it took. When the first week was over, the next week was even easier. Now, 4 weeks later, I have no desire to yell in anger. I love what this change has done in our home. We are all happier and my stress levels have decreased. The feeling of peace in our home is great.
(Posted by Alicia)
Monday, April 6, 2009
Free Easter Lesson and Printouts
Easter can be a wonderful time to create traditions together as a family. On Easter Sunday, our family attends church services (as we do every Sunday). But we also take this opportunity to gather our family together in our home for a song, prayer, and special lesson.
If you (like us) are Christian, then this is a perfect time to share your beliefs about Jesus Christ and His resurrection. If you would like some lesson ideas on how to do this then here is a link to a primary lesson that is used to teach young children about Christ and His resurrection: Primary lesson on Easter
If you want more ideas for children, then here is a link to the April Friend Magazine. I hope you all have a wonderful Easter Sunday. Take this opportunity to gather your family around you and let them know how much you love them!
If you (like us) are Christian, then this is a perfect time to share your beliefs about Jesus Christ and His resurrection. If you would like some lesson ideas on how to do this then here is a link to a primary lesson that is used to teach young children about Christ and His resurrection: Primary lesson on Easter
If you want more ideas for children, then here is a link to the April Friend Magazine. I hope you all have a wonderful Easter Sunday. Take this opportunity to gather your family around you and let them know how much you love them!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Developing Self-Esteem In Our Children
There seems to be a strong correlation between our own self-esteem and the self-esteem of our children. This point was driven home the other day when I happened to catch an episode of "Oprah" while folding laundry.
The subject of this particular show was self-esteem in children. They interviewed mothers of three and four year old girls who were already concerned about their weight and saying things like, "I'm too fat!" Then they brought on a beautiful young woman who said that she had extremely low self-esteem. She related how she would go home and cry and cry because she thought she was so ugly.
I was wondering how someone so beautiful could possibly think she was ugly? And why were these pre-schoolers already thinking about their weight? Then the moment of realization came when their mothers were brought on the show and both mothers and daughters were interviewed.
The young woman related that growing up she would often find her mother in her room sobbing. When she would ask her mom what was wrong, her mom would say something to the effect of, "Oh I just look so hideous today!" Things of this nature happened often with the mom always saying how fat she (herself) was or how horrible she looked.
Well, somehow these feelings of insecurity and self-doubt were passed down from mother to daughter. Even though the mom would try and build up her daughter by telling her how pretty she was, the daughter somehow only managed to carry on the negative messages that her mom kept telling herself every day.
This was so eye-opening to me. All of the kids on the show ended up with low self-esteem not because their moms' put them down, but because their moms' continually put THEMSELVES down. In many cases, the moms' had grown up with low self-esteem because of situations in their own life growing up and so they purposely praised their children in the hopes of giving their
children the self-esteem that they themselves never had.
But apparently the message that the parents gave about themselves talked far more loudly than the encouragement they gave to their children. Watching this really made me think about my own life and has helped me to be more cautious of negative self-talk.
If we want our children to have a positive self-esteem, then it is critical that we have our OWN self-esteem first. Our children learn so much through observing and if they see happy capable
parents, then they will have a lot better chance of becoming happy capable adults as well! Something to think about!
Wendy Jensen
http://www.firstratefamily.com
The subject of this particular show was self-esteem in children. They interviewed mothers of three and four year old girls who were already concerned about their weight and saying things like, "I'm too fat!" Then they brought on a beautiful young woman who said that she had extremely low self-esteem. She related how she would go home and cry and cry because she thought she was so ugly.
I was wondering how someone so beautiful could possibly think she was ugly? And why were these pre-schoolers already thinking about their weight? Then the moment of realization came when their mothers were brought on the show and both mothers and daughters were interviewed.
The young woman related that growing up she would often find her mother in her room sobbing. When she would ask her mom what was wrong, her mom would say something to the effect of, "Oh I just look so hideous today!" Things of this nature happened often with the mom always saying how fat she (herself) was or how horrible she looked.
Well, somehow these feelings of insecurity and self-doubt were passed down from mother to daughter. Even though the mom would try and build up her daughter by telling her how pretty she was, the daughter somehow only managed to carry on the negative messages that her mom kept telling herself every day.
This was so eye-opening to me. All of the kids on the show ended up with low self-esteem not because their moms' put them down, but because their moms' continually put THEMSELVES down. In many cases, the moms' had grown up with low self-esteem because of situations in their own life growing up and so they purposely praised their children in the hopes of giving their
children the self-esteem that they themselves never had.
But apparently the message that the parents gave about themselves talked far more loudly than the encouragement they gave to their children. Watching this really made me think about my own life and has helped me to be more cautious of negative self-talk.
If we want our children to have a positive self-esteem, then it is critical that we have our OWN self-esteem first. Our children learn so much through observing and if they see happy capable
parents, then they will have a lot better chance of becoming happy capable adults as well! Something to think about!
Wendy Jensen
http://www.firstratefamily.com
Monday, March 30, 2009
Tell Your Children You Love Them!
Today take your children in your arms one at a time and look them
in the eyes and tell them how much you love them and how important
they are to you!
We need to show our children that we love them, but they also need
to hear it -- we all do!
in the eyes and tell them how much you love them and how important
they are to you!
We need to show our children that we love them, but they also need
to hear it -- we all do!
A Neat Family Tradition
Here is a Family Tradition shared by a young mother of 5 children,
ages 3-13, that I thought was really neat. She writes:
At Christmas, my husband gives each of our children a book. In
the front of each book, he writes a letter of love and appreciation
to that particular child. Our children treasure these books and
love to read and reread the letters even more than the book. These
letters mean so much to our children that I typed all of the
letters onto the computer just in case any of the books were ever
lost.
Does Your Family Have Good Habits?
My kids brought this "Parent Quiz" home from school on a flyer the
other day and I thought I would pass it along. It is taken from
"The Parent Institute," a division of NIS, Inc, Inc.,www.parent-
institute.com
"A child educated only at school is an uneducated child."
--George Santayana
Parent Quiz -- Does your family have good habits?
When families have good habits at home, school life is much easier
for children. Answer the following questions "yes" or "no" to see if
you're encouraging important family habits:
____1. Do you have at least one meal together as a family each day?
____2. Do you plan plenty of time in your schedule for family fun?
____3. Do you encourage morning, bedtime and homework routines?
____4. Do you enforce important rules fairly and consistently?
____5. Do you show love for your child in many ways, such as by
listening carefully and saying, "I love you!"
How did you do? Each "yes" answer means you're working to make home
life routine and reliable. For each "no" answer, consider ways
suggested in the quiz to change your response to yes. You'll see a
difference at home and at school. Again, the "Parent Quiz" is taken from the "Helping Children Learn"
newsletter. For more information to go: www.parent-institute.com
Thursday, March 26, 2009
A Lesson Of Charity Learned From My Child
Every once in awhile we as parents have the opportunity of seeing something special happen with our children that leaves us just a little bit in awe. Such a moment happened just the other day. My ten year old daughter came walking into the kitchen and announced matter of factly, "I don't want any presents for Christmas this year -- I want to send all my money to Humanitarian..."
Wondering if she even knew what that big word meant I asked, "What do you mean by `Humanitarian'?" She said, "You know -- people who are poor. I mean, I already have enough stuff, I don't need any more. Do you think I could pack up our stuffed animals and things and give it to someone who doesn't have any?" Granted she doesn't have much money or toys to begin with, but I thought it was neat that she would be willing to give up all of her Christmas presents in order to help someone else!
She notices the little things too. She came home from church one Sunday and said "Kathy (one of her teachers) seemed a little sad today -- is it okay if I make cookies and bring them over to her? And can we bring cookies to the new neighbors who just moved in?" "Sure!" I replied.
We enjoyed the evening together baking cookies and talking and laughing. She then brought the gifts to our neighbors in order to cheer one up and to make another feel welcome. It was just a little thing but it was an important reminder for me. The Gift of Charity -- What a wonderful lesson my child taught me that day!
Write Down Precious Moments!
Kids do and say the funniest things! One of the little things I have learned is to write those things down before they become faded memories soon to slip away into oblivion.
I am an avid journal writer and have kept a journal ever since I was ten years old. I am so grateful for these writings as I can go back and "re-live" many precious moments that have happened in my life. I can also go back and see that I have survived hard times and that things really did get better!
I also make it a point to write down the cute and funny things that my children have done through the years. Here are a couple of incidents that happened just this month. I brought my children to our local park and my toddler straddled one of the monkey bars like a saddle. She
then shouted, "Look -- I'm riding a horse -- MOO MOO!" It was just a little thing but it made me laugh! So I wrote it down in my journal when we got home.
Another "funny" I recently recorded was when my toddler was playing with my pre-schooler. They were playing with their brother's little match box cars and my pre-schooler in all of her wisdom explained to my toddler, "These are called hot-wheels." My toddler then piped up and
said, "No -- these are called cold-wheels!"
Little things like this happen everyday! Just last night we were watching some local fireworks from a vantage point in our back yard. My three-year-old daughter was sitting on my lap and shouted: "This is AMAZING!" I didn't even know she knew that word and it made her sound so...well, grown up! It was another fun thing to record in my journal!
Again, be sure to make a record of the fun things your children do and say. You think you will remember them, but chances are, you won't! My children love to have me read to them all of the funny things they said and did when they were younger. My son will often say, "Mom, will you read me more stories about when I was a baby?"
I enjoy reading my journals to them because it helps me remember many things that I have long forgotten. Take just a minute today to write down some of your thoughts including the precious feelings you have for your child. Some day those thoughts will become treasured documents! Time flies by so quickly, record it before it slips away. Remember, a life written down is a life twice lived!
If you have enjoyed this blog then please pass it on to a friend!
Fun Activities For Kids
I would like to share a few fun activities you can do with your kids. My sister introduced our family to "Flubber" when her family came to visit to our home last year. It was a hit!! Our kids has a blast both making it and playing with it! You can put a straw in it and blow huge bubbles, or press different shapes into it using molds or cookie cutters. It is great for a science project and also makes for a very fun family. For recipe click RIGHT HERE!
This web-site also contains the recipe for home-made play-dough. I make play-dough with our kids fairly often. The kids love to be able to help make it and choose their own colors. Play-dough
keeps them entertained for a long time! Home-made play-dough is more fun than play-dough you buy at the store since it is softer and more workable and lasts longer.
Another fun activity to do with your kids is face-painting. Face Painting is fun for Birthday Parties, Halloween, Carnivals, School Events, or just for a fun activity to do with your kids!
For information on face-painting, click HERE.
Once you learn how, you can even make a little money by face-painting at community carnivals or other events. The most important thing, however, is to just have fun with your kids. Try doing some of these activities together!
For more parenting tips, go to FirstRateFamily.com!
This web-site also contains the recipe for home-made play-dough. I make play-dough with our kids fairly often. The kids love to be able to help make it and choose their own colors. Play-dough
keeps them entertained for a long time! Home-made play-dough is more fun than play-dough you buy at the store since it is softer and more workable and lasts longer.
Another fun activity to do with your kids is face-painting. Face Painting is fun for Birthday Parties, Halloween, Carnivals, School Events, or just for a fun activity to do with your kids!
For information on face-painting, click HERE.
Once you learn how, you can even make a little money by face-painting at community carnivals or other events. The most important thing, however, is to just have fun with your kids. Try doing some of these activities together!
For more parenting tips, go to FirstRateFamily.com!
Using Natural Consequences
It is important for us as parents to utilize "Natural Consequences"with our children as much as we can. Natural consequences are a good way for our children to learn because the consequence is directly related to a particular action (or lack of action) from our children.
Not everything our children do will have a natural consequence, but for those things that do, let these consequences work their magic! Listed below are a few examples of how children can learn the consequences of their decisions.
Suppose your daughter leaves her bike in the street and it gets run over by a car and ruined. The natural consequence for her actions is that she no longer has a bike to ride. She may beg and beg for another bike, and you may be tempted to buy her one. But then she hasn't learned the very important lesson of taking care of personal belongings. One way she can learn from this experience is to start doing extra jobs so that she can earn the money to buy herself a new bike. After working hard to earn a bike, chances are, she won't leave it in the street again!
Another example of natural consequences often occurs at the dinner table. Our children know that if they choose not to eat their dinner, they won't get anything else to eat the rest of the night. If they complain later on, we remind them that it was their choice not to eat dinner with the family and that the kitchen is closed for the night. The next night they will be faced with the same decision and hopefully they will remember the lesson they learned the previous night.
Allowing natural consequences to occur means not rescuing our child every time them make a mistake. If we always "rescue" our children every time they make a mistake, then we are teaching them to be irresponsible! We have seven children and it is a big job trying to remember everything for each child.
Therefore, the kids are responsible for making their own lunch for school and they are also responsible for getting their own jacket, homework, backpack, and lunch when we leave. It is a simple request and one that they are certainly capable of. If they forget any of these items, then
they will just have to suffer the consequences.
I will not continually run back to the school to bring forgotten items (except perhaps in an emergency). Because of this, they almost never forget their backpack or lunch!
Of course, we can't let children do anything that would harm themselves or others. If a child keeps running into the street, we can't simply say, "Well, if he gets hit by a car then he has learned his lesson!" That would be ridiculous! But life gives us plenty of opportunities to learn, and we as parents need to allow our children to grow through these experiences.
Note: This excerpt was taken from our book "Positive Parenting Using the G.O.L.D.
Standard: Developing Discipline Without Yelling, Spanking, Nagging, or Time-Outs!" Available at: FirstRateFamily.com
Not everything our children do will have a natural consequence, but for those things that do, let these consequences work their magic! Listed below are a few examples of how children can learn the consequences of their decisions.
Suppose your daughter leaves her bike in the street and it gets run over by a car and ruined. The natural consequence for her actions is that she no longer has a bike to ride. She may beg and beg for another bike, and you may be tempted to buy her one. But then she hasn't learned the very important lesson of taking care of personal belongings. One way she can learn from this experience is to start doing extra jobs so that she can earn the money to buy herself a new bike. After working hard to earn a bike, chances are, she won't leave it in the street again!
Another example of natural consequences often occurs at the dinner table. Our children know that if they choose not to eat their dinner, they won't get anything else to eat the rest of the night. If they complain later on, we remind them that it was their choice not to eat dinner with the family and that the kitchen is closed for the night. The next night they will be faced with the same decision and hopefully they will remember the lesson they learned the previous night.
Allowing natural consequences to occur means not rescuing our child every time them make a mistake. If we always "rescue" our children every time they make a mistake, then we are teaching them to be irresponsible! We have seven children and it is a big job trying to remember everything for each child.
Therefore, the kids are responsible for making their own lunch for school and they are also responsible for getting their own jacket, homework, backpack, and lunch when we leave. It is a simple request and one that they are certainly capable of. If they forget any of these items, then
they will just have to suffer the consequences.
I will not continually run back to the school to bring forgotten items (except perhaps in an emergency). Because of this, they almost never forget their backpack or lunch!
Of course, we can't let children do anything that would harm themselves or others. If a child keeps running into the street, we can't simply say, "Well, if he gets hit by a car then he has learned his lesson!" That would be ridiculous! But life gives us plenty of opportunities to learn, and we as parents need to allow our children to grow through these experiences.
Note: This excerpt was taken from our book "Positive Parenting Using the G.O.L.D.
Standard: Developing Discipline Without Yelling, Spanking, Nagging, or Time-Outs!" Available at: FirstRateFamily.com
A Fun Good-Night Ritual!
"The true gifts of life lie in the moment. That is why we call it the present."
I have recently been reading an interesting book called "I Love You Rituals" by Becky A. Bailey, PH.D. (HarperCollins Books 2000).
Becky discusses the importance of appropriate and caring touch with our children. She writes: "Touch is the only sense we cannot live without....without touching and being touched, a child will die. In 1920, Dr. Henry Chapin, A New York pediatrician, reported that the death rate for infants under two years of age in institutions across the United States was 100 percent. These infants received adequate food and shelter. What was missing for these babies was caring touch. Chapin concluded that being handled, carried, cuddled, and caressed was necessary for life." (p. 10)
In her book she states, "I Love You Rituals are delightful interactions and games that adults can play with children from infancy through eight years of age and that send the message of
unconditional acceptance. Unconditional acceptance is love." (pg.3) Some of these games (such as the one mentioned below can be modified for older children as well).
I've used one of these little games with my own children and they absolutely love it! It is called "Good night Elbow." This is the game: "Tell your child, "I am going to say goodnight to your ears,
your hair, your forehead, your eyebrows, your shoulders, and your elbows." Continue down the child's body, saying goodnight to as many parts as you want to. Each time you say goodnight to a body part, touch that part. Each touch involves a gentle massage, helping your child relax for a good night of sleep. Take your time. Use the time to relax as well by emptying your mind of
clutter and being totally present with your child." ("I Love You Rituals pg. 155) click here.
I started this with my children a few weeks ago and now they beg for it every night. I gently run my fingers through their hair as I say, "Good night hair!" Then I trace their eyebrows and cheeks and nose as I say "good night" to each part of their face. If I forget to say "good night" as I do it then my two and three year old will remind me by exclaiming, "say it, say it!" They always try and prolong the game by saying "you forgot my ears" or "you forgot my ankles!" When I get to their feet I say, "Good night stinky feet!" and of course they giggle with delight. One of my daughters loves to be tickled and always says, "aaahhh, that feels sooo good!" All of the kids ask to play it and even my son (who has never been the touchy-feely type) will say, "I want it too -- I like it!"
This little bed-time ritual gives me the chance to connect with each child one at a time and lets them know how much I love them. It even helps my active two-year-old relax her way to dream-land! These little rituals have added bonuses as they boost brain potential and build bonds of unconditional love!
For more information, click here:
For more Parenting tips go to: www.FirstRateFamily.com
I have recently been reading an interesting book called "I Love You Rituals" by Becky A. Bailey, PH.D. (HarperCollins Books 2000).
Becky discusses the importance of appropriate and caring touch with our children. She writes: "Touch is the only sense we cannot live without....without touching and being touched, a child will die. In 1920, Dr. Henry Chapin, A New York pediatrician, reported that the death rate for infants under two years of age in institutions across the United States was 100 percent. These infants received adequate food and shelter. What was missing for these babies was caring touch. Chapin concluded that being handled, carried, cuddled, and caressed was necessary for life." (p. 10)
In her book she states, "I Love You Rituals are delightful interactions and games that adults can play with children from infancy through eight years of age and that send the message of
unconditional acceptance. Unconditional acceptance is love." (pg.3) Some of these games (such as the one mentioned below can be modified for older children as well).
I've used one of these little games with my own children and they absolutely love it! It is called "Good night Elbow." This is the game: "Tell your child, "I am going to say goodnight to your ears,
your hair, your forehead, your eyebrows, your shoulders, and your elbows." Continue down the child's body, saying goodnight to as many parts as you want to. Each time you say goodnight to a body part, touch that part. Each touch involves a gentle massage, helping your child relax for a good night of sleep. Take your time. Use the time to relax as well by emptying your mind of
clutter and being totally present with your child." ("I Love You Rituals pg. 155) click here.
I started this with my children a few weeks ago and now they beg for it every night. I gently run my fingers through their hair as I say, "Good night hair!" Then I trace their eyebrows and cheeks and nose as I say "good night" to each part of their face. If I forget to say "good night" as I do it then my two and three year old will remind me by exclaiming, "say it, say it!" They always try and prolong the game by saying "you forgot my ears" or "you forgot my ankles!" When I get to their feet I say, "Good night stinky feet!" and of course they giggle with delight. One of my daughters loves to be tickled and always says, "aaahhh, that feels sooo good!" All of the kids ask to play it and even my son (who has never been the touchy-feely type) will say, "I want it too -- I like it!"
This little bed-time ritual gives me the chance to connect with each child one at a time and lets them know how much I love them. It even helps my active two-year-old relax her way to dream-land! These little rituals have added bonuses as they boost brain potential and build bonds of unconditional love!
For more information, click here:
For more Parenting tips go to: www.FirstRateFamily.com
"The Memory of a Mother Waiting is a Safeguard Against Temptation!"
"The memory of a mother waiting is a safeguard against temptation."
This is so true! When my brothers and sister and I were teenagers, we always checked in with our parents when we came home at night -- no matter how late it was! It didn't matter if we were coming home from work, or from a date, or party -- we always needed to come in and tell our parents goodnight.
My mom would always be awake (or maybe she would wake up when we came in) but I always recall her saying that she could never really sleep sleep well until we were all safely home! I remember often sitting on the edge of her bed and telling her what I did that night. It really
helped me to make wise decisions throughout the course of the evening, knowing that I would need to come home and report to my parents!
Mom would know exactly what time we got home and exactly what we had been doing. (Mom always seemed to know those things!) If she didn't know, she would ask us outright what we had been doing -- and I for one could never lie! So just knowing that my mom was there waiting to hear all about my date or party or whatever, was the best "safeguard against temptation" I could have!
So my point for parents is to always be there when your teenagers come home. Don't just let them "sneak" in and go to bed. Make sure they report to you first! Remember...
"The memory of a mother (or father) waiting is a safeguard against temptation!"
This is so true! When my brothers and sister and I were teenagers, we always checked in with our parents when we came home at night -- no matter how late it was! It didn't matter if we were coming home from work, or from a date, or party -- we always needed to come in and tell our parents goodnight.
My mom would always be awake (or maybe she would wake up when we came in) but I always recall her saying that she could never really sleep sleep well until we were all safely home! I remember often sitting on the edge of her bed and telling her what I did that night. It really
helped me to make wise decisions throughout the course of the evening, knowing that I would need to come home and report to my parents!
Mom would know exactly what time we got home and exactly what we had been doing. (Mom always seemed to know those things!) If she didn't know, she would ask us outright what we had been doing -- and I for one could never lie! So just knowing that my mom was there waiting to hear all about my date or party or whatever, was the best "safeguard against temptation" I could have!
So my point for parents is to always be there when your teenagers come home. Don't just let them "sneak" in and go to bed. Make sure they report to you first! Remember...
"The memory of a mother (or father) waiting is a safeguard against temptation!"
Seven Easy Ways To Improve Your Marriage!
The following article is written by Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D. co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse says "I don't love you anymore!" available here.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Advice: Seven Easy Ways to Improve Your Marriage By Nancy Wasson
Improving your marriage doesn't necessarily have to involve huge changes on your part or your spouse's. Many times, the cumulative effect of small changes can make a significant difference in the quality of a relationship.
It can be discouraging to only focus on the big, sweeping long-range changes that you feel are needed, such as improved communication or increased intimacy. Instead, focus on making several small changes that can affect the quality of your relationship right away.
Once you generate some positive energy flow, it'll be easier to tackle the larger issues. Plus, you'll be more motivated to put forth the effort and to keep trying.
Here are seven easy ways you can improve your marriage:
1. Schedule date nights on a regular basis. Did you know research by Idaho State University shows that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is scheduling regular dates?
This study involving 132 couples found those who went on dates more often (the average was six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together.
So get out your calendar and schedule some times for you and your spouse to go out and spend time together doing something you both enjoy.
You might have dinner in a restaurant, go dancing, see a movie or play, or listen to live music. The important thing is you're spending time together and having fun.
If you have children and have been neglecting this part of your relationship for a long time because you don't want to leave the kids with a babysitter, there's probably something else going on underneath the convenient "reason."
Doing everything with the children and not spending time alone with your spouse can be a way to try to avoid sex or to minimize romance. It's a mistake to think this won't hurt your marriage in the long run--because it will.
2. Show respect when you're talking to your spouse. You may not realize you're doing damage to your marriage when your spouse is talking to you and you sigh with exasperation and roll your eyes.
Psychologist John Gottman has conducted research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end unhappily. He has found contempt is the most damaging, and he says rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt.
The actual words used in interactions between a couple are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicating loudly. So you're giving your partner important information about how you really feel about him (or her) when you show disrespect.
Start becoming more aware of your behavior when your spouse is talking to you. You might ask your spouse if she (or he) feels disrespected during conversations and interactions with you. But
don't ask for honest feedback unless you're prepared to receive it without getting defensive. The goal is to become more self-aware and improve your relationship with your partner.
3. Take the television out of the bedroom. You may be surprised at the research findings involving late-night TV.
A survey by Italian psychologist Serenella Salomoni found that among couples over the age of fifty, those who kept TV out of the bedroom had sex an average of seven times a month compared with 1.5 times a month for couples with TV's. The implication is that late-night TV can translate into a lot less sex for many couples.
It's easy to see how this could happen over time without a couple even stopping to think about the long-term effects on their sex life and intimacy. Watching television becomes a habit and the path of least resistance.
If removing the television from your bedroom sounds too drastic, at least consider initiating a conversation with your spouse about these findings and whether your marriage might benefit from less TV watching in the evenings.
4. Make time for vacations. The Wisconsin Medical Journal reported that when 1500 women were asked how often they took a vacation, 20% said that it had been six years or more. These non-vacationers were more likely to be stressed and unhappy in their marriages.
Every day life can get so bogged down with details, work, and loose ends that fun and romance can easily become buried and neglected. Remember the old saying, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
The same is certainly true of relationships--if there's no time to play and have fun, then dullness, fatigue, and boredom often take hold. Passion and romance thrive on stimulation, building positive new memories, and the excitement that change brings.
Just leaving home and seeing and doing different things can be energizing and perk up a stale relationship. The vacations don't have to be expensive or exotic. Consider staying at a state park or camping. Explore off-season rates and advertised motel specials. Put on your creative thinking cap and see what's possible.
5. Remember to hug your mate each day. Doctors at the University of North Carolina have found that hugging boosts blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that is linked to trust.
According to Kathleen Light, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study's authors, "It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to emotional as well as physical closeness in partners...."
Make it a point to initiate more hugging, and don't be bashful about asking for what you need and want. Ask your mate to join you in some bear hugs each day or a session of snuggling on the sofa as you talk. You'll both feel better afterwards!
Note: If "hugs = sex" in your marriage, it's time to make a change. Many wives complain their husbands only touch them--hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle--when the husbands want sex.
These wives often try to avoid physical contact with their husband because they don't want to get him aroused. This leads to a pulling away and a lack of on-going closeness and connection. Thus, it's important that hugging not be just a prelude to sex.
6. Celebrate days that are special to the two of you. Take the time to record the special days on your personal calendar so you won't forget.
What days should you celebrate? For starters, include the day you met your spouse, your wedding day, your partner's birthday, your birthday, New Year's, Valentine's Day, and any other dates that have significant meaning or cause for celebration.
Through the years, I've heard many spouses express hurt that their mate never buys them a gift, even for their birthday. There's no special dinner or birthday cake--nothing.
They might not receive a Valentine's Day card or a Christmas present, either. I'm always sad to hear this, because it seems like such a loss of an opportunity to celebrate. And the message
delivered to the mate is she (or he) isn't valued and treasured.
Life is short, and you can't take your beloved partner for granted. Look for every opportunity to celebrate your love, your marriage, and the fact that you're alive!
7. Smile More Often. A genuine smile can warm the heart and make you more attractive to your spouse.
That's because smiles are sexy as well as contagious, and the energy they produce can give you and your spouse a needed boost just when you need it the most.
Smiling connects you to others so you aren't aloof and separate. A warm smile invites your spouse to come closer, to connect with you, and to linger in your presence. You'll feel better and so will your spouse.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" available here.
You can also sign up for a free weekly marriage advice newsletter. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to spouses who want to overcome marriage problems and create a rewarding, loving marriage.
Article Source click here.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Advice: Seven Easy Ways to Improve Your Marriage By Nancy Wasson
Improving your marriage doesn't necessarily have to involve huge changes on your part or your spouse's. Many times, the cumulative effect of small changes can make a significant difference in the quality of a relationship.
It can be discouraging to only focus on the big, sweeping long-range changes that you feel are needed, such as improved communication or increased intimacy. Instead, focus on making several small changes that can affect the quality of your relationship right away.
Once you generate some positive energy flow, it'll be easier to tackle the larger issues. Plus, you'll be more motivated to put forth the effort and to keep trying.
Here are seven easy ways you can improve your marriage:
1. Schedule date nights on a regular basis. Did you know research by Idaho State University shows that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is scheduling regular dates?
This study involving 132 couples found those who went on dates more often (the average was six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together.
So get out your calendar and schedule some times for you and your spouse to go out and spend time together doing something you both enjoy.
You might have dinner in a restaurant, go dancing, see a movie or play, or listen to live music. The important thing is you're spending time together and having fun.
If you have children and have been neglecting this part of your relationship for a long time because you don't want to leave the kids with a babysitter, there's probably something else going on underneath the convenient "reason."
Doing everything with the children and not spending time alone with your spouse can be a way to try to avoid sex or to minimize romance. It's a mistake to think this won't hurt your marriage in the long run--because it will.
2. Show respect when you're talking to your spouse. You may not realize you're doing damage to your marriage when your spouse is talking to you and you sigh with exasperation and roll your eyes.
Psychologist John Gottman has conducted research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end unhappily. He has found contempt is the most damaging, and he says rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt.
The actual words used in interactions between a couple are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicating loudly. So you're giving your partner important information about how you really feel about him (or her) when you show disrespect.
Start becoming more aware of your behavior when your spouse is talking to you. You might ask your spouse if she (or he) feels disrespected during conversations and interactions with you. But
don't ask for honest feedback unless you're prepared to receive it without getting defensive. The goal is to become more self-aware and improve your relationship with your partner.
3. Take the television out of the bedroom. You may be surprised at the research findings involving late-night TV.
A survey by Italian psychologist Serenella Salomoni found that among couples over the age of fifty, those who kept TV out of the bedroom had sex an average of seven times a month compared with 1.5 times a month for couples with TV's. The implication is that late-night TV can translate into a lot less sex for many couples.
It's easy to see how this could happen over time without a couple even stopping to think about the long-term effects on their sex life and intimacy. Watching television becomes a habit and the path of least resistance.
If removing the television from your bedroom sounds too drastic, at least consider initiating a conversation with your spouse about these findings and whether your marriage might benefit from less TV watching in the evenings.
4. Make time for vacations. The Wisconsin Medical Journal reported that when 1500 women were asked how often they took a vacation, 20% said that it had been six years or more. These non-vacationers were more likely to be stressed and unhappy in their marriages.
Every day life can get so bogged down with details, work, and loose ends that fun and romance can easily become buried and neglected. Remember the old saying, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."
The same is certainly true of relationships--if there's no time to play and have fun, then dullness, fatigue, and boredom often take hold. Passion and romance thrive on stimulation, building positive new memories, and the excitement that change brings.
Just leaving home and seeing and doing different things can be energizing and perk up a stale relationship. The vacations don't have to be expensive or exotic. Consider staying at a state park or camping. Explore off-season rates and advertised motel specials. Put on your creative thinking cap and see what's possible.
5. Remember to hug your mate each day. Doctors at the University of North Carolina have found that hugging boosts blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that is linked to trust.
According to Kathleen Light, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study's authors, "It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to emotional as well as physical closeness in partners...."
Make it a point to initiate more hugging, and don't be bashful about asking for what you need and want. Ask your mate to join you in some bear hugs each day or a session of snuggling on the sofa as you talk. You'll both feel better afterwards!
Note: If "hugs = sex" in your marriage, it's time to make a change. Many wives complain their husbands only touch them--hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle--when the husbands want sex.
These wives often try to avoid physical contact with their husband because they don't want to get him aroused. This leads to a pulling away and a lack of on-going closeness and connection. Thus, it's important that hugging not be just a prelude to sex.
6. Celebrate days that are special to the two of you. Take the time to record the special days on your personal calendar so you won't forget.
What days should you celebrate? For starters, include the day you met your spouse, your wedding day, your partner's birthday, your birthday, New Year's, Valentine's Day, and any other dates that have significant meaning or cause for celebration.
Through the years, I've heard many spouses express hurt that their mate never buys them a gift, even for their birthday. There's no special dinner or birthday cake--nothing.
They might not receive a Valentine's Day card or a Christmas present, either. I'm always sad to hear this, because it seems like such a loss of an opportunity to celebrate. And the message
delivered to the mate is she (or he) isn't valued and treasured.
Life is short, and you can't take your beloved partner for granted. Look for every opportunity to celebrate your love, your marriage, and the fact that you're alive!
7. Smile More Often. A genuine smile can warm the heart and make you more attractive to your spouse.
That's because smiles are sexy as well as contagious, and the energy they produce can give you and your spouse a needed boost just when you need it the most.
Smiling connects you to others so you aren't aloof and separate. A warm smile invites your spouse to come closer, to connect with you, and to linger in your presence. You'll feel better and so will your spouse.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" available here.
You can also sign up for a free weekly marriage advice newsletter. Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to spouses who want to overcome marriage problems and create a rewarding, loving marriage.
Article Source click here.
My Daughter -- One Little Voice
Our children need our love, support, and time!
When we sacrifice our time for our children, we are sending them the message that they are important to us. Think about a busy father who re-arranges his schedule so that he can attend his child's soccer game, or a mom who skips a business lunch (or social lunch with friends) in order to go on a field-trip with her son. What do these events tell our child? They tell our children that they are more important to us than meetings or social time with friends.
Of course we do have to make a living and we can't always volunteer for every school activity that comes along. Some jobs are more flexible than others and so getting away may not be an option. Since I have seven children, I can't always attend certain events because I have other children to care for. However, we need to be careful not to let work or other duties continually take precedence over our children. This sends our children the message that they are not very important to us.
Make an effort to re-arrange your schedule to attend events that re important to your child. Then let your child know that your being with them was more important to you than the business meeting, or the over-time work. Imagine your child overhearing you on the phone saying, "Gosh, I'd really like to be there, but I already promised my daughter I would watch her perform a story she wrote for her class. Yes I realize that this is a great opportunity... Yes I realize it may never come again... I already promised my daughter, and family comes first!" Imagine how important your child will suddenly feel!
I never really realized how much my presence meant to my child until a particular experience happened last year. My daughter was nine years old and was participating in the elementary school choir. They were scheduled to sing at our local grocery store during the day for Veteran's Day and I told her that I wouldn't miss it. When the time came I reluctantly woke up my younger children from their naps, loaded them in the mini-van, and headed off to the store. Parking has never been a problem at this store but today there was apparently a big event going on at the store along with the choir performance and the parking lot was packed. After driving around in frustration I finally found a spot quite far away and hurried in with all three children in tow.
The choir had already started it's performance. Because of the large size of the choir and inadequate area in which to perform, parents and shoppers were crowded into a circle which wound all the way around the choir. The only place I could find that would fit me and a shopping cart with three children was in the back -- behind the choir. I couldn't see the choir kids very well and my daughter couldn't see me. I tried in vain to get her attention but to no avail. I could see her searching the faces looking for me but she couldn't see me in the back behind all of the people.
Finally I got the attention of the boy next to her and motioned for him to tap her. She finally turned around and spotted me. As soon as I saw her face I could see that she had been crying. She thought I hadn't come! It broke my heart! The rest of the performance I was wiping tears away, moved both by the patriotic numbers ringing forth from the childrens' voices and also realizing how hurt my daughter was when she thought I hadn't come to watch her sing -- one little voice among dozens of children. If I ever I find myself saying, "Do I really need to go to that readers theatre or that Halloween parade...?" I think about my little tear-streaked daughter searching the crowds of faces for her mom. Yes, or course I need to -- and I will!
Our children need our love -- they need our support -- they need our time. I hope we can always bless our children with these three precious gifts!
(Wendy Jensen is the mother of seven children and the author of "Positive Parenting Using the G.O.L.D. Standard" available at www.firstratefamily.com)
When we sacrifice our time for our children, we are sending them the message that they are important to us. Think about a busy father who re-arranges his schedule so that he can attend his child's soccer game, or a mom who skips a business lunch (or social lunch with friends) in order to go on a field-trip with her son. What do these events tell our child? They tell our children that they are more important to us than meetings or social time with friends.
Of course we do have to make a living and we can't always volunteer for every school activity that comes along. Some jobs are more flexible than others and so getting away may not be an option. Since I have seven children, I can't always attend certain events because I have other children to care for. However, we need to be careful not to let work or other duties continually take precedence over our children. This sends our children the message that they are not very important to us.
Make an effort to re-arrange your schedule to attend events that re important to your child. Then let your child know that your being with them was more important to you than the business meeting, or the over-time work. Imagine your child overhearing you on the phone saying, "Gosh, I'd really like to be there, but I already promised my daughter I would watch her perform a story she wrote for her class. Yes I realize that this is a great opportunity... Yes I realize it may never come again... I already promised my daughter, and family comes first!" Imagine how important your child will suddenly feel!
I never really realized how much my presence meant to my child until a particular experience happened last year. My daughter was nine years old and was participating in the elementary school choir. They were scheduled to sing at our local grocery store during the day for Veteran's Day and I told her that I wouldn't miss it. When the time came I reluctantly woke up my younger children from their naps, loaded them in the mini-van, and headed off to the store. Parking has never been a problem at this store but today there was apparently a big event going on at the store along with the choir performance and the parking lot was packed. After driving around in frustration I finally found a spot quite far away and hurried in with all three children in tow.
The choir had already started it's performance. Because of the large size of the choir and inadequate area in which to perform, parents and shoppers were crowded into a circle which wound all the way around the choir. The only place I could find that would fit me and a shopping cart with three children was in the back -- behind the choir. I couldn't see the choir kids very well and my daughter couldn't see me. I tried in vain to get her attention but to no avail. I could see her searching the faces looking for me but she couldn't see me in the back behind all of the people.
Finally I got the attention of the boy next to her and motioned for him to tap her. She finally turned around and spotted me. As soon as I saw her face I could see that she had been crying. She thought I hadn't come! It broke my heart! The rest of the performance I was wiping tears away, moved both by the patriotic numbers ringing forth from the childrens' voices and also realizing how hurt my daughter was when she thought I hadn't come to watch her sing -- one little voice among dozens of children. If I ever I find myself saying, "Do I really need to go to that readers theatre or that Halloween parade...?" I think about my little tear-streaked daughter searching the crowds of faces for her mom. Yes, or course I need to -- and I will!
Our children need our love -- they need our support -- they need our time. I hope we can always bless our children with these three precious gifts!
(Wendy Jensen is the mother of seven children and the author of "Positive Parenting Using the G.O.L.D. Standard" available at www.firstratefamily.com)
Teach Your Child To Work By Making it A Game
Here is the update I promised on the Children's Miracle Music
program! My kids have been doing this several weeks now and it works
GREAT! My eight-year old son cannot wait to get to his jobs and
he has even earned his first private date already by getting 100
points! Here is the web-site for more information.
For my son's date, he chose to go to the local fun center to play
arcade games (surprise surprise!) He had a blast playing games and
earning arcade tickets which he redeemed for prizes. He brought
home prizes for his younger sisters and now they are all excited to
finish earning their 100 points!
Children's Miracle Music has made our morning and evening routines
run so much more smoothly. In the evening I tell my kids that I am
turning on the music for their "act of kindness" and then watch
them race to get started.
For my ten and eight year old, this means doing the evening dishes.
They also clear and wash the table and sweep the kitchen floor.
Cleaning the entire kitchen is a big job that takes awhile and so
I let them start the music segment over if they don't finish within
one segment. They also earn two tickets for this because they do such
a great job!
When it is time for bed I turn on the song for "getting PJ's on and
putting clothes away" and all of the kids start running upstairs to
do it! They also have a song for brushing their teeth and time to
say their prayers.
In the mornings the kids unload their dishwasher for their "act of
kindness" and make their own lunches. They have a song for getting
dressed and putting PJ's away, eating breakfast, rinsing their dish
and putting it the dishwasher (this was something new for them and
so I'm glad they are getting into the habit), and brushing teeth.
We have actually been making it to school early!
So all in all I am delighted with the progam and I highly recommend
it! For more information click here.
Have a great day!
program! My kids have been doing this several weeks now and it works
GREAT! My eight-year old son cannot wait to get to his jobs and
he has even earned his first private date already by getting 100
points! Here is the web-site for more information.
For my son's date, he chose to go to the local fun center to play
arcade games (surprise surprise!) He had a blast playing games and
earning arcade tickets which he redeemed for prizes. He brought
home prizes for his younger sisters and now they are all excited to
finish earning their 100 points!
Children's Miracle Music has made our morning and evening routines
run so much more smoothly. In the evening I tell my kids that I am
turning on the music for their "act of kindness" and then watch
them race to get started.
For my ten and eight year old, this means doing the evening dishes.
They also clear and wash the table and sweep the kitchen floor.
Cleaning the entire kitchen is a big job that takes awhile and so
I let them start the music segment over if they don't finish within
one segment. They also earn two tickets for this because they do such
a great job!
When it is time for bed I turn on the song for "getting PJ's on and
putting clothes away" and all of the kids start running upstairs to
do it! They also have a song for brushing their teeth and time to
say their prayers.
In the mornings the kids unload their dishwasher for their "act of
kindness" and make their own lunches. They have a song for getting
dressed and putting PJ's away, eating breakfast, rinsing their dish
and putting it the dishwasher (this was something new for them and
so I'm glad they are getting into the habit), and brushing teeth.
We have actually been making it to school early!
So all in all I am delighted with the progam and I highly recommend
it! For more information click here.
Have a great day!
Teaching Your Child Gratitude!
Do you ever feel like your children continually want and expect
more stuff? Perhaps they don't respect or take care of the things
they already have. How do we teach our children to be humble and
grateful for what they have? It can be difficult sometimes to
convince our children how blessed they really are. One way we can
help teach gratitude to our children is by showing gratitude
ourselves.
Do you ever find yourself complaining about not having enough or
are you continually mindful and grateful for what you do have?
Children really notice the way we as parents talk about such
things. One way you can show (and teach) gratitude is by
remembering to say "thank you" for the little things to family
members and others. Another way to show gratitude is through
prayer. By praying out loud, your children can hear you expressing
thanks for your blessings. By sure to thank God for the blessing
of your wonderful children -- and be sure to state each of their
names!
Many years ago I heard the phrase: "Have An Attitude of Gratitude!"
It stuck with me every since. If we have an "attitude of
gratitude," then chances are our children will too. Many years ago
I attended Utah State University in Logan, Utah. Logan is known
for it's frigid winters! My roommates and I didn't want to get
depressed from the freezing cold and stress of school; however, so
we made up a little game to keep us amused and grateful for our
blessings.
As we trudged up this steep slippery hill in the dead of winter to
attend our classes, we would say something like (in an exaggerated
voice of course) "Boy, I am sure grateful to be getting this wonderful
education -- aren't you?" Then whoever responded would have to think
of something positive back, and so on. Then one of us would respond,
"Yeah and we are so lucky that we get to walk up this big hill every
morning -- look at all of the free exercise we are getting!" "Yeah,
good thing we don't have a car -- I mean then we would have to drive
around in circles looking for a parking place." "Yeah, we sure are
lucky aren't we!" It was a silly little game but it kept us smiling
and cheerful and it was entertaining to see who could come up with the
best responses.
We can play similiar "games" with our children. I recently heard a
story about someone who used her creativity to display a positive
attitude when things went wrong. For example, if someone cut her off
in traffic, instead of becoming angry she would try and come up
with the most outlandish story possible about why that driver was
driving so fast. She would say something like, "Wow, maybe his
wife is about to have a baby any second and they have to hurry and
get to the hospital before she delivers in the car.." Then her
child might take over and come up with a completely different story
about why that driver cut them off. Pretty soon they would all be
laughing at each other's stories and forget all about the car that
cut them off.
Sometimes it is our kids that teach us these valuable lessons of
gratitude. The other day I drove my kids to school as I do every
morning and my ten year old daughter said, "Thanks mom for driving
me to school today!" It was a little thing but it made me feel
good! Then when I started clearing the table after dinner she
said, "Thanks for helping us in the kitchen mom!" "WOW -- does she
want something," I wondered? Then today I received a hand-written
note that said "Thank you mom for not letting me quit piano..."
Was this really my daughter -- the one who complains each and every
day about having to practice a measly 30 minutes? Gratitude....
maybe there is hope after all...!
more stuff? Perhaps they don't respect or take care of the things
they already have. How do we teach our children to be humble and
grateful for what they have? It can be difficult sometimes to
convince our children how blessed they really are. One way we can
help teach gratitude to our children is by showing gratitude
ourselves.
Do you ever find yourself complaining about not having enough or
are you continually mindful and grateful for what you do have?
Children really notice the way we as parents talk about such
things. One way you can show (and teach) gratitude is by
remembering to say "thank you" for the little things to family
members and others. Another way to show gratitude is through
prayer. By praying out loud, your children can hear you expressing
thanks for your blessings. By sure to thank God for the blessing
of your wonderful children -- and be sure to state each of their
names!
Many years ago I heard the phrase: "Have An Attitude of Gratitude!"
It stuck with me every since. If we have an "attitude of
gratitude," then chances are our children will too. Many years ago
I attended Utah State University in Logan, Utah. Logan is known
for it's frigid winters! My roommates and I didn't want to get
depressed from the freezing cold and stress of school; however, so
we made up a little game to keep us amused and grateful for our
blessings.
As we trudged up this steep slippery hill in the dead of winter to
attend our classes, we would say something like (in an exaggerated
voice of course) "Boy, I am sure grateful to be getting this wonderful
education -- aren't you?" Then whoever responded would have to think
of something positive back, and so on. Then one of us would respond,
"Yeah and we are so lucky that we get to walk up this big hill every
morning -- look at all of the free exercise we are getting!" "Yeah,
good thing we don't have a car -- I mean then we would have to drive
around in circles looking for a parking place." "Yeah, we sure are
lucky aren't we!" It was a silly little game but it kept us smiling
and cheerful and it was entertaining to see who could come up with the
best responses.
We can play similiar "games" with our children. I recently heard a
story about someone who used her creativity to display a positive
attitude when things went wrong. For example, if someone cut her off
in traffic, instead of becoming angry she would try and come up
with the most outlandish story possible about why that driver was
driving so fast. She would say something like, "Wow, maybe his
wife is about to have a baby any second and they have to hurry and
get to the hospital before she delivers in the car.." Then her
child might take over and come up with a completely different story
about why that driver cut them off. Pretty soon they would all be
laughing at each other's stories and forget all about the car that
cut them off.
Sometimes it is our kids that teach us these valuable lessons of
gratitude. The other day I drove my kids to school as I do every
morning and my ten year old daughter said, "Thanks mom for driving
me to school today!" It was a little thing but it made me feel
good! Then when I started clearing the table after dinner she
said, "Thanks for helping us in the kitchen mom!" "WOW -- does she
want something," I wondered? Then today I received a hand-written
note that said "Thank you mom for not letting me quit piano..."
Was this really my daughter -- the one who complains each and every
day about having to practice a measly 30 minutes? Gratitude....
maybe there is hope after all...!
Family Time!
I know this isn't new to many of you, so this is just a reminder!
One of the best ways to keep your family close is to have "family
night" once a week. It helps to hold family night the same night
each week so that every member of your family knows not to schedule
anything else on that night. Our family has family night on
Monday nights. Everyone gets to take turns choosing the activity
and it is something that the kids all look forward to! Activities
include things such as: going to the park, playing board games or
sports, swimming together in our pool, or even yard work (which is
never the kids' choice!) Tonight the kids brought a whole bunch of
blankets and pillows outside and everyone snuggled together while
their dad read to them.
For more information on Family Night and for a whole list of Family
Night ideas, you can refer to our "Positive Parenting" book at:
http://www.firstratefamily.com
For resources and links on parenting, click Here
One of the best ways to keep your family close is to have "family
night" once a week. It helps to hold family night the same night
each week so that every member of your family knows not to schedule
anything else on that night. Our family has family night on
Monday nights. Everyone gets to take turns choosing the activity
and it is something that the kids all look forward to! Activities
include things such as: going to the park, playing board games or
sports, swimming together in our pool, or even yard work (which is
never the kids' choice!) Tonight the kids brought a whole bunch of
blankets and pillows outside and everyone snuggled together while
their dad read to them.
For more information on Family Night and for a whole list of Family
Night ideas, you can refer to our "Positive Parenting" book at:
http://www.firstratefamily.com
For resources and links on parenting, click Here
Toddlers and Pre-schoolers can Learn To Work Too!
My two year old and four year old love to help me with the laundry.
They fight for the best spot on their bar-stools and then peer into
the water as if searching for treasures. I hand them items of clothing
one at a time and they proudly hold each item up and exclaim who it
belongs to as they drop it in the water: "This is Mommy's shirt! These
are my pants!" You can imagine how long it takes to do this simple task
with their "help!"
True, I can do the work much faster myself, but letting my children
help me teaches them how to work and also shows them that everyone
needs to pitch in in order to help a family run more smoothly. When
we do laundry together, I exclaim, "Wow! You are so good at putting
the clothes in the washer!" What a good little helper you are! Thank
you so much for helping me do the laundry!"
Of course they absolutely beam at the praise and it also gives us a
chance to spend time together in a positive way. When I wash the counters,
I give each of them a little wet wash cloth and they go around washing
everything in sight!
Toddlers and Pre-schoolers are not too young to start helping with simple
tasks around the house. They can do things like: pick up their toys when
they are done playing with them, put their dirty clothes in the laundry,
put their dishes in the sink (with help) and so forth.
Children should learn that work is not only necessary, but can also be fun!
At this age, parents can work along with their children and can make the
jobs fun by singing or playing little "clean-up" games. This can be as
simple as singing fun little songs, like one from Barney: "Clean up, clean
up, everybody everywhere, clean up, clean up, everybody do your share!"
Sometimes we have a "60 second pick up" where we set the timer and scurry
around to see how many toys we can get picked up in 60 seconds. Or I will
count and see how long it takes them to pick up their toys.
Children love to try and see how fast they can go, which is one of the
reasons that "Children's Miracle Music" works so well. With this program,
kids have a song for each item they need to accomplish and they hurry to
finish before the songs do. There are even announcements on the CD such
as "only one song left to finish your breakfast!" So we as parents don't
have to keep giving reminders since the music does it for us!
When my pre-schooler listens to the CD and hears, "Time to get dressed
and put your pajamas away!" she hurries upstairs to do it before the songs
end, in order to earn her points. If you would like more information on
"Children's Miracle Music," you can check out their web-site right here
Another tip I use to help get my kids excited about picking up their things,
is by choosing a "magic item" among the things that need to be put away.
The kids don't know which item is the "magic" one and they don't find out
until everything is put away. Whoever put away the "magic item" gets a
little surprise. I will often choose a few "magic items" so that everyone
who helped can get a little reward.
There is always so much work to be done around the house and sometimes it
is tempting just to do the work ourselves, since we can usually do it faster
and better, but it is so important to teach children the important skills of
learning how to work. It will help us in the long run and children can gain
confidence in a job well done and build a strong work ethic that they can
carry with them throughout their entire lives.
True, my children's "help" with the laundry slows me down now, but in a few
short years (and everyone keeps reminding me how fast the years go) they
will be able to do their own laundry -- which will definitely be a help! A
few years after that, they will move away and I won't have any giggling mouths
or chubby little fingers dropping dirty socks one by one into the washing
machine. So for now I will embrace the help and maybe one day a little grand-
child will sit perched on a bar-stool nearby and ask the beloved question,
"Can I help?"
Please pass on our Free parenting resources, by referring people to our
Articles Web-Site at: http://www.firstratefamily.com/articles
They fight for the best spot on their bar-stools and then peer into
the water as if searching for treasures. I hand them items of clothing
one at a time and they proudly hold each item up and exclaim who it
belongs to as they drop it in the water: "This is Mommy's shirt! These
are my pants!" You can imagine how long it takes to do this simple task
with their "help!"
True, I can do the work much faster myself, but letting my children
help me teaches them how to work and also shows them that everyone
needs to pitch in in order to help a family run more smoothly. When
we do laundry together, I exclaim, "Wow! You are so good at putting
the clothes in the washer!" What a good little helper you are! Thank
you so much for helping me do the laundry!"
Of course they absolutely beam at the praise and it also gives us a
chance to spend time together in a positive way. When I wash the counters,
I give each of them a little wet wash cloth and they go around washing
everything in sight!
Toddlers and Pre-schoolers are not too young to start helping with simple
tasks around the house. They can do things like: pick up their toys when
they are done playing with them, put their dirty clothes in the laundry,
put their dishes in the sink (with help) and so forth.
Children should learn that work is not only necessary, but can also be fun!
At this age, parents can work along with their children and can make the
jobs fun by singing or playing little "clean-up" games. This can be as
simple as singing fun little songs, like one from Barney: "Clean up, clean
up, everybody everywhere, clean up, clean up, everybody do your share!"
Sometimes we have a "60 second pick up" where we set the timer and scurry
around to see how many toys we can get picked up in 60 seconds. Or I will
count and see how long it takes them to pick up their toys.
Children love to try and see how fast they can go, which is one of the
reasons that "Children's Miracle Music" works so well. With this program,
kids have a song for each item they need to accomplish and they hurry to
finish before the songs do. There are even announcements on the CD such
as "only one song left to finish your breakfast!" So we as parents don't
have to keep giving reminders since the music does it for us!
When my pre-schooler listens to the CD and hears, "Time to get dressed
and put your pajamas away!" she hurries upstairs to do it before the songs
end, in order to earn her points. If you would like more information on
"Children's Miracle Music," you can check out their web-site right here
Another tip I use to help get my kids excited about picking up their things,
is by choosing a "magic item" among the things that need to be put away.
The kids don't know which item is the "magic" one and they don't find out
until everything is put away. Whoever put away the "magic item" gets a
little surprise. I will often choose a few "magic items" so that everyone
who helped can get a little reward.
There is always so much work to be done around the house and sometimes it
is tempting just to do the work ourselves, since we can usually do it faster
and better, but it is so important to teach children the important skills of
learning how to work. It will help us in the long run and children can gain
confidence in a job well done and build a strong work ethic that they can
carry with them throughout their entire lives.
True, my children's "help" with the laundry slows me down now, but in a few
short years (and everyone keeps reminding me how fast the years go) they
will be able to do their own laundry -- which will definitely be a help! A
few years after that, they will move away and I won't have any giggling mouths
or chubby little fingers dropping dirty socks one by one into the washing
machine. So for now I will embrace the help and maybe one day a little grand-
child will sit perched on a bar-stool nearby and ask the beloved question,
"Can I help?"
Please pass on our Free parenting resources, by referring people to our
Articles Web-Site at: http://www.firstratefamily.com/articles
Family History --Treasuring Memories
Every year at the first of the year, I write a "family history" of
the past year. I skim through my journal from the previous year
and write down the highlights for each month. I write a history
each year for each of my children as well. I write my baby's
history in first person as if he were writing it. I highlight
important events such as when he first sat up, first started
crawling, and so forth. For the older children, I write down
all of the funny things that they said and did throughout the
year. I also let them tell the events of the year in their own
words.
My children's grandma actually came up with the idea of having the
grandchildren do a family history each year. At the end of the year
(or beginning of the new year) she will sit down with each child
and ask them questions to get them talking and then she types out
every word that they say. The older kids can type their own.
Grandma then prints the histories along with pictures for each
grandchild and compiles them into a binder for each of her kids'
families.
The histories are absolutely priceless! They are not only
informative, they are hilarious! We've had all sorts of things
come up in the histories - especially from the younger children
who are shockingly honest. When my son was five year old, he
matter-of-factly explained what the doctors saw on his baby
brother's ultrasound - and how they knew it was a boy and not a
girl! My four year old daughter explained that her "skinny grandpa
sleeps all of the time" and that her "fat grandpa was Santa Clause!"
We all get a kick out of reading the histories and the kids' love
to read their own histories over and over as they get older. They
are something we will treasure forever! I hope you will take the
time to record the events that happen both in your life and that of
your children. You will come to treasure those memories even more
and future generations will thank you for it!
the past year. I skim through my journal from the previous year
and write down the highlights for each month. I write a history
each year for each of my children as well. I write my baby's
history in first person as if he were writing it. I highlight
important events such as when he first sat up, first started
crawling, and so forth. For the older children, I write down
all of the funny things that they said and did throughout the
year. I also let them tell the events of the year in their own
words.
My children's grandma actually came up with the idea of having the
grandchildren do a family history each year. At the end of the year
(or beginning of the new year) she will sit down with each child
and ask them questions to get them talking and then she types out
every word that they say. The older kids can type their own.
Grandma then prints the histories along with pictures for each
grandchild and compiles them into a binder for each of her kids'
families.
The histories are absolutely priceless! They are not only
informative, they are hilarious! We've had all sorts of things
come up in the histories - especially from the younger children
who are shockingly honest. When my son was five year old, he
matter-of-factly explained what the doctors saw on his baby
brother's ultrasound - and how they knew it was a boy and not a
girl! My four year old daughter explained that her "skinny grandpa
sleeps all of the time" and that her "fat grandpa was Santa Clause!"
We all get a kick out of reading the histories and the kids' love
to read their own histories over and over as they get older. They
are something we will treasure forever! I hope you will take the
time to record the events that happen both in your life and that of
your children. You will come to treasure those memories even more
and future generations will thank you for it!
Article by Parenting Coach, "Why the G.O.L.D. Standard Works"
The following article is written by Tom Dozier, Parenting Skills
Trainer and Parenting Coach
Why the G.O.L.D. Standard Works
The extensive research in human behavior over the past half century
has shown conclusively that we do the things we do, because we get
something for doing it. Any behavior that occurs repeatedly is a
behavior that pays off. This is true for adults and children.
Many adults go to work each day. Every week or two, this behavior
pays off with a paycheck. Many days, this behavior pays off with
other people (hopefully the boss) expressing appreciation for a job
well done.
For children, the many behaviors they do also have payoffs. The
payoff for watching TV is enjoying the TV program. The payoff for
fighting over a toy may be getting the toy, the response of the
other child, or the attention of an adult. The payoff for helping
mom set the table should be a smile and words of appreciation from
mom.
Whatever happens after the behavior (the payoff) is called the
consequence. There are two types of consequences:
1. Negative consequences: The child will behave in a way to
avoid or terminate something unpleasant like being yelled at, having
things taken away, or getting a spanking;
2. Positive consequences: The child will behave in a way to earn
something desirable like attention from their parent, use of a toy,
a treat, etc.
For example, if we nag our child long and loud enough about their
messy room, they clean their room. So why did the child clean the
room, to avoid (or delay) more nagging. We could also say to our
child, "When you pick up the toys in your room, we can play a
special game together." Hopefully the child will clean the room so
they can play the game. In this case, the child is getting
something, the opportunity to be with and play with their parent.
The behavior, cleaning their room, was the same in both cases, but
in the first case it was done to avoid nagging, and in the second
case, it was done to get to play with mom or dad. Well, the room
got clean, so is there a difference? Yes, and its HUGE.
With negative consequences, the child behaves to avoid something.
Several bad things happen.
1. He only does the minimum amount to prevent the unpleasant
consequence
2. His motivation and ability to do the behavior (and other
positive behaviors) is reduced
3. The parent's positive influence is reduced
4. The doing of the behavior takes on the feeling of the
unpleasant consequence.
With positive consequences, the child behaves to get something.
Several good things happen.
1. He does the amount needed to earn the good reward, and often
gives extra discretionary effort
2. His motivation and ability to do the behavior increases
3. The parent's positive influence is increased
4. The doing of the behavior takes on the feeling of the
enjoyable reward.
5. The behavior will generalize to other behaviors. The child
will become creative looking for good things to do, even in totally
unrelated areas.
6. Everyone is happier!
In our homes, we need our children to do many things. When things
aren't going well, we do lots of nagging, yelling, criticizing and
sometimes spanking. We react to our children's inappropriate
behaviors. When we do this, we are using negative consequences.
It works for a while, but in the long run, it only gets worse and
worse. What we need to do is be proactive, to plan ahead and make
sure we provide positive consequences for appropriate behavior.
When we do this, thing get better and better.
Why the G.O.L.D. Standard Works: We have all experienced what is
called a "Token Economy", though we don't usually think of it by
this name. When we work at a job, we get paid with money. The
money has no intrinsic value. We can't provide any basic needs
with the actual currency. BUT, we can trade the money for many
things of great value at any store. In this case, the tokens are
real money. Think about it, we will all put in a full day of work
for a few pieces of paper (especially if they have $100 on them).
The G.O.L.D. Standard teaches you how to set up a token economy in
your home so that your children have a positive consequence for
doing the things they should. When your children do what they
should be doing, they earn tickets. The tickets are like money
that can be exchanged for valuable privileges and prizes that you
determine. This takes a little more work up front, but in the long
run it is much easier. Everyone is happier and you get all the
benefits of using positive consequences. Your children actually
choose to do the things they need to do.
In addition to the token economy, the G.O.L.D. Standard teaches you
how to stop fighting and arguing using the tickets as minor
punishment. This is much better than lecturing and yelling because
it avoids prolonged negative interactions. It is called a
"response cost." If a child chooses to respond to a difficult
situation with a sibling by yelling, then it costs the child a
ticket. The child knows this in advance, and so is motivated to
resolve the situation without fighting or arguing. The G.O.L.D.
Standard also teaches you how to use natural consequences, which
are very effective teachers.
Another significant behavioral principle discussed in Chapter 11 of
the G.O.L.D. Standard is talking to children with positive
language. This means that we should tell children what they are
supposed to do, rather than what they are to not do. Per behavior
scientist, Dr. Glenn I. Latham, "This may seem like a little thing,
but it is a powerfully important thing to tell children what they
are supposed to do."
Finally, the G.O.L.D. Standard gives you ideas and tips to make
your home a happy place. What the research shows is that families
that have many pleasant, positive interactions (and few negative
interactions) with each other have a low occurrence of
inappropriate behavior in the younger years, and greatly increased
odds of avoiding serious problems during the teenage years.
If you want to find out more about the G.O.L.D. Standard, click
here: http://www.firstratefamily.com
If you have questions applying the G.O.L.D. Standard in your home,
contact Wendy Jensen at wendy@firstratefamily.com
If you have questions or concerns about your child's behavior, I
would be glad to help.
We wish you the best, in your great parenting adventure.
Tom Dozier
Behaviorist, Parenting Skills Trainer and Parenting Coach
Guaranteed Parent Training
5801 Arlene Way
Livermore, CA 94550
925-371-1576
tomdozier@guaranteedpt.com
Trainer and Parenting Coach
Why the G.O.L.D. Standard Works
The extensive research in human behavior over the past half century
has shown conclusively that we do the things we do, because we get
something for doing it. Any behavior that occurs repeatedly is a
behavior that pays off. This is true for adults and children.
Many adults go to work each day. Every week or two, this behavior
pays off with a paycheck. Many days, this behavior pays off with
other people (hopefully the boss) expressing appreciation for a job
well done.
For children, the many behaviors they do also have payoffs. The
payoff for watching TV is enjoying the TV program. The payoff for
fighting over a toy may be getting the toy, the response of the
other child, or the attention of an adult. The payoff for helping
mom set the table should be a smile and words of appreciation from
mom.
Whatever happens after the behavior (the payoff) is called the
consequence. There are two types of consequences:
1. Negative consequences: The child will behave in a way to
avoid or terminate something unpleasant like being yelled at, having
things taken away, or getting a spanking;
2. Positive consequences: The child will behave in a way to earn
something desirable like attention from their parent, use of a toy,
a treat, etc.
For example, if we nag our child long and loud enough about their
messy room, they clean their room. So why did the child clean the
room, to avoid (or delay) more nagging. We could also say to our
child, "When you pick up the toys in your room, we can play a
special game together." Hopefully the child will clean the room so
they can play the game. In this case, the child is getting
something, the opportunity to be with and play with their parent.
The behavior, cleaning their room, was the same in both cases, but
in the first case it was done to avoid nagging, and in the second
case, it was done to get to play with mom or dad. Well, the room
got clean, so is there a difference? Yes, and its HUGE.
With negative consequences, the child behaves to avoid something.
Several bad things happen.
1. He only does the minimum amount to prevent the unpleasant
consequence
2. His motivation and ability to do the behavior (and other
positive behaviors) is reduced
3. The parent's positive influence is reduced
4. The doing of the behavior takes on the feeling of the
unpleasant consequence.
With positive consequences, the child behaves to get something.
Several good things happen.
1. He does the amount needed to earn the good reward, and often
gives extra discretionary effort
2. His motivation and ability to do the behavior increases
3. The parent's positive influence is increased
4. The doing of the behavior takes on the feeling of the
enjoyable reward.
5. The behavior will generalize to other behaviors. The child
will become creative looking for good things to do, even in totally
unrelated areas.
6. Everyone is happier!
In our homes, we need our children to do many things. When things
aren't going well, we do lots of nagging, yelling, criticizing and
sometimes spanking. We react to our children's inappropriate
behaviors. When we do this, we are using negative consequences.
It works for a while, but in the long run, it only gets worse and
worse. What we need to do is be proactive, to plan ahead and make
sure we provide positive consequences for appropriate behavior.
When we do this, thing get better and better.
Why the G.O.L.D. Standard Works: We have all experienced what is
called a "Token Economy", though we don't usually think of it by
this name. When we work at a job, we get paid with money. The
money has no intrinsic value. We can't provide any basic needs
with the actual currency. BUT, we can trade the money for many
things of great value at any store. In this case, the tokens are
real money. Think about it, we will all put in a full day of work
for a few pieces of paper (especially if they have $100 on them).
The G.O.L.D. Standard teaches you how to set up a token economy in
your home so that your children have a positive consequence for
doing the things they should. When your children do what they
should be doing, they earn tickets. The tickets are like money
that can be exchanged for valuable privileges and prizes that you
determine. This takes a little more work up front, but in the long
run it is much easier. Everyone is happier and you get all the
benefits of using positive consequences. Your children actually
choose to do the things they need to do.
In addition to the token economy, the G.O.L.D. Standard teaches you
how to stop fighting and arguing using the tickets as minor
punishment. This is much better than lecturing and yelling because
it avoids prolonged negative interactions. It is called a
"response cost." If a child chooses to respond to a difficult
situation with a sibling by yelling, then it costs the child a
ticket. The child knows this in advance, and so is motivated to
resolve the situation without fighting or arguing. The G.O.L.D.
Standard also teaches you how to use natural consequences, which
are very effective teachers.
Another significant behavioral principle discussed in Chapter 11 of
the G.O.L.D. Standard is talking to children with positive
language. This means that we should tell children what they are
supposed to do, rather than what they are to not do. Per behavior
scientist, Dr. Glenn I. Latham, "This may seem like a little thing,
but it is a powerfully important thing to tell children what they
are supposed to do."
Finally, the G.O.L.D. Standard gives you ideas and tips to make
your home a happy place. What the research shows is that families
that have many pleasant, positive interactions (and few negative
interactions) with each other have a low occurrence of
inappropriate behavior in the younger years, and greatly increased
odds of avoiding serious problems during the teenage years.
If you want to find out more about the G.O.L.D. Standard, click
here: http://www.firstratefamily.com
If you have questions applying the G.O.L.D. Standard in your home,
contact Wendy Jensen at wendy@firstratefamily.com
If you have questions or concerns about your child's behavior, I
would be glad to help.
We wish you the best, in your great parenting adventure.
Tom Dozier
Behaviorist, Parenting Skills Trainer and Parenting Coach
Guaranteed Parent Training
5801 Arlene Way
Livermore, CA 94550
925-371-1576
tomdozier@guaranteedpt.com
Free Family Music Video
Here is a beautiful song that my husband wrote and sang about
families. We hope you enjoy it! Click Here!
http://www.firstratefamily.com/video.html
families. We hope you enjoy it! Click Here!
http://www.firstratefamily.com/video.html
A Touch Of Love
Here is a nice little reminder for us to treasure
every moment with our children!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A TOUCH OF LOVE
You were six months old and full of fun,
With a blink of my eye, you were suddenly one.
There were so many things we were going to do,
but I turned my head and you turned two.
At two, you were very dependent on me,
but independence took over when you turned three.
Your third birthday; another year I tried to ignore,
but when I lit the candles, there weren't three, but four.
Four was the year that you really strived.
Why, look at you now, you're already five.
Now you are ready for books and for rules.
This is the year you go to school.
The big day came, you were anxious to go.
We walked to the bus going oh, so slow.
As you climbed aboard and waved good-bye,
I felt a lump in my throat and tears stung my eyes.
Time goes so fast it's hard to believe
that just yesterday you were home here with me.
And tomorrow when the bus brings you home
and you jump to the ground
you'll be wearing your cap and graduation gown.
So I'm holding to these moments as hard as I can,
because the next time I look, I'll be seeing a man.
Author unknown
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our kids grow up so fast! When you find yourselves feeling
frustrated, kneel down and thank God for entrusting these precious
children to your care! Hug them, play with them, and enjoy them!
every moment with our children!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A TOUCH OF LOVE
You were six months old and full of fun,
With a blink of my eye, you were suddenly one.
There were so many things we were going to do,
but I turned my head and you turned two.
At two, you were very dependent on me,
but independence took over when you turned three.
Your third birthday; another year I tried to ignore,
but when I lit the candles, there weren't three, but four.
Four was the year that you really strived.
Why, look at you now, you're already five.
Now you are ready for books and for rules.
This is the year you go to school.
The big day came, you were anxious to go.
We walked to the bus going oh, so slow.
As you climbed aboard and waved good-bye,
I felt a lump in my throat and tears stung my eyes.
Time goes so fast it's hard to believe
that just yesterday you were home here with me.
And tomorrow when the bus brings you home
and you jump to the ground
you'll be wearing your cap and graduation gown.
So I'm holding to these moments as hard as I can,
because the next time I look, I'll be seeing a man.
Author unknown
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Our kids grow up so fast! When you find yourselves feeling
frustrated, kneel down and thank God for entrusting these precious
children to your care! Hug them, play with them, and enjoy them!
My Seven Year Old Has ADHD
Below is a question that one of our readers recently sent in:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"Please help me. I want to get my 7 year old ADHD child to sit
still in class and copy from the board. Teacher is complaining that
he is not paying attention and not copying from the board and not
sitting in class. I have to yell and scream to make him to sit...
and his homework is not getting done."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is an excellent response from Parenting Coach, Tom Dozier:
It is not what happens before the behavior, but what happens after
the behavior that really matters. To get your son to do the copying
from board work at school, you will need to know how your son did
each day in school. This is best done with a little note home from
the teacher each day. It could look like this...
Today _________ did his work in school. (and signed by the teacher).
When your son brings home the note, then something special happens
at home. He could play a special game with you or his father. He
could get a special snack, or he could get to play some other game
that he wants to play, but can not normally play. You could talk
with your son and make a list of things that he would like. Then,
he could choose from the list each day.
You could write each thing he wants to do on a strip of a paper,
and put the paper strips in a jar or bowl. When he gets a good note
from school, he picks one slip of paper and that is the special
activity he gets.
You want the fun activity to be worth enough for him to focus in
school and do his work. Over time, you can change the activities
and make them smaller. Let your son know that you will do this for
2 weeks, and then there will be some changes. BUT, you need to make
sure that the special activities are important enough for your son
to work hard to get them each day.
For homework, you do something similar. No yelling or nagging will
be needed to get him to do his homework. When he completes his
homework, then a special game or snack is earned. You should use
different things than for the school work. Homework should be easier
than the school work, so the rewards should be smaller.
You work for a paycheck each day. Set it up so your son does the
same. When you give your son the reward he has earned, smile, be happy,
hug him, and say something nice, like, "I'm glad you got your work done
today. Good job!"
When he does not get his work done (no note), all you need to say
is, "Oh, I know you are disappointed that you didn't get your special
reward. I hope you get it tomorrow." You don't need to nag. You
SHOULD NOT nag him. You don't need to have a big talk about how
unfair the teacher is, or that he really forgot the note at school.
It is simple, bring home the note, and then enjoy the reward.
Best regards,
Tom Dozier
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you this question and answer has given you some ideas for
your own children. If you have your own question you would like to
have answered then please feel free to write Tom or send a reply to
me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"Please help me. I want to get my 7 year old ADHD child to sit
still in class and copy from the board. Teacher is complaining that
he is not paying attention and not copying from the board and not
sitting in class. I have to yell and scream to make him to sit...
and his homework is not getting done."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is an excellent response from Parenting Coach, Tom Dozier:
It is not what happens before the behavior, but what happens after
the behavior that really matters. To get your son to do the copying
from board work at school, you will need to know how your son did
each day in school. This is best done with a little note home from
the teacher each day. It could look like this...
Today _________ did his work in school. (and signed by the teacher).
When your son brings home the note, then something special happens
at home. He could play a special game with you or his father. He
could get a special snack, or he could get to play some other game
that he wants to play, but can not normally play. You could talk
with your son and make a list of things that he would like. Then,
he could choose from the list each day.
You could write each thing he wants to do on a strip of a paper,
and put the paper strips in a jar or bowl. When he gets a good note
from school, he picks one slip of paper and that is the special
activity he gets.
You want the fun activity to be worth enough for him to focus in
school and do his work. Over time, you can change the activities
and make them smaller. Let your son know that you will do this for
2 weeks, and then there will be some changes. BUT, you need to make
sure that the special activities are important enough for your son
to work hard to get them each day.
For homework, you do something similar. No yelling or nagging will
be needed to get him to do his homework. When he completes his
homework, then a special game or snack is earned. You should use
different things than for the school work. Homework should be easier
than the school work, so the rewards should be smaller.
You work for a paycheck each day. Set it up so your son does the
same. When you give your son the reward he has earned, smile, be happy,
hug him, and say something nice, like, "I'm glad you got your work done
today. Good job!"
When he does not get his work done (no note), all you need to say
is, "Oh, I know you are disappointed that you didn't get your special
reward. I hope you get it tomorrow." You don't need to nag. You
SHOULD NOT nag him. You don't need to have a big talk about how
unfair the teacher is, or that he really forgot the note at school.
It is simple, bring home the note, and then enjoy the reward.
Best regards,
Tom Dozier
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you this question and answer has given you some ideas for
your own children. If you have your own question you would like to
have answered then please feel free to write Tom or send a reply to
me.
A Mile Of Smiles!
This story was sent in by Sue Guebert (one of our readers) and I
thought it was so cute! It is featured in my new book:
"Celebrating Motherhood:" http://www.celebratingmother.com
A Mile of Smiles
When Jeremy was about two or so and was learning how to dress
himself, I'd go pick out some clothes for him and he'd put them on.
At two, Kevin wanted a choice, so I'd ask him if he wanted the
green outfit or the blue outfit and he'd choose one and put them
on. Then came Mark. When he was two and I asked him if he would
like the green outfit or the blue outfit his response was, "I WANT
THE RED ONE!!!" And sometimes he'd get dressed on his own and
sometimes not.
One day I was planning to run some errands and told Mark to get
dressed about an hour before I needed to leave. He putted around
and didn't get dressed until finally the time had arrived to leave.
I noticed that he had picked the top from one outfit and the bottom
from another. Not too unusual! Mark, being Mark, decided to put
the shirt on his legs and the pants on his head, one leg hanging
over each side like dog ears!
I thought to myself, "Well, he's dressed! He's got his shirt and
pants on!" And off we went! We went to the bank, to the office,
to the grocery store and to the school. We got the funniest looks
from people. I just smiled and said, "He's two and he dressed
himself today." He may have not been dressed the "right" way, but
we certainly left a mile of smiles behind us that day!
--Sue Guebert--
What a great attitude as a mother! Thanks for sharing, Sue!
To read more sweet accounts, take a peek into our new book:
"Celebrating Motherhood:"
thought it was so cute! It is featured in my new book:
"Celebrating Motherhood:" http://www.celebratingmother.com
A Mile of Smiles
When Jeremy was about two or so and was learning how to dress
himself, I'd go pick out some clothes for him and he'd put them on.
At two, Kevin wanted a choice, so I'd ask him if he wanted the
green outfit or the blue outfit and he'd choose one and put them
on. Then came Mark. When he was two and I asked him if he would
like the green outfit or the blue outfit his response was, "I WANT
THE RED ONE!!!" And sometimes he'd get dressed on his own and
sometimes not.
One day I was planning to run some errands and told Mark to get
dressed about an hour before I needed to leave. He putted around
and didn't get dressed until finally the time had arrived to leave.
I noticed that he had picked the top from one outfit and the bottom
from another. Not too unusual! Mark, being Mark, decided to put
the shirt on his legs and the pants on his head, one leg hanging
over each side like dog ears!
I thought to myself, "Well, he's dressed! He's got his shirt and
pants on!" And off we went! We went to the bank, to the office,
to the grocery store and to the school. We got the funniest looks
from people. I just smiled and said, "He's two and he dressed
himself today." He may have not been dressed the "right" way, but
we certainly left a mile of smiles behind us that day!
--Sue Guebert--
What a great attitude as a mother! Thanks for sharing, Sue!
To read more sweet accounts, take a peek into our new book:
"Celebrating Motherhood:"
Here is a Sweet Poem On Motherhood!
My daughter brought this home from her pre-school graduation. I
don't know who wrote it but I thought it was really sweet and a
good reminder for me!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Some houses try to hide the fact
that children shelter there;
Ours boasts it quite openly...
the signs are everywhere.
For smears are on the windows,
little smudges on the door;
I should apologize I guess
for the toys strewn on the floor,
But I sat down with the children
we played, laughed and read,
And it the door bell doesn't shine,
their eyes will shine instead.
For when I'm forced to choose
the one job or the other
It's good to be a housewife
but I'd rather be a mother!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Be a mother (or father) to your kids today!
don't know who wrote it but I thought it was really sweet and a
good reminder for me!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Some houses try to hide the fact
that children shelter there;
Ours boasts it quite openly...
the signs are everywhere.
For smears are on the windows,
little smudges on the door;
I should apologize I guess
for the toys strewn on the floor,
But I sat down with the children
we played, laughed and read,
And it the door bell doesn't shine,
their eyes will shine instead.
For when I'm forced to choose
the one job or the other
It's good to be a housewife
but I'd rather be a mother!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Be a mother (or father) to your kids today!
Teaching Your Children To Be Kind To Others!
I hope you all are having family night once a week. If you aren't
yet, then now is the perfect time to start!
This is a family lesson we did recently that had a great impact on
our children. We had been struggling with our children being mean
to each other and calling each other names. So my husband planned
the following lesson to show how this behavior affects others.
He took a bowl of water and some pepper. He said that the pepper
represents your family members and friends. He sprinkled a whole
bunch of pepper into the water. Then he said, "Watch what happens
if you are mean to others (bullying, calling names, not sharing..)
He then rubbed dish soap on the tip of his finger and stuck his
finger into the bowl. All of the pepper went away from his finger
towards the edges of the bowl.
Of course our little children were in awe, "Wow! That's cool!
Do it again!" He explained that when they are not nice to others,
then other people will not want to be around them. He then committed
them to be more kind to one another.
Lessons like this are great reminders for our children and just the
fact that you are bringing your family together at least once a week
in order to teach them, will increase the love and harmony in your
home. I know it has for us!
Good Luck!
yet, then now is the perfect time to start!
This is a family lesson we did recently that had a great impact on
our children. We had been struggling with our children being mean
to each other and calling each other names. So my husband planned
the following lesson to show how this behavior affects others.
He took a bowl of water and some pepper. He said that the pepper
represents your family members and friends. He sprinkled a whole
bunch of pepper into the water. Then he said, "Watch what happens
if you are mean to others (bullying, calling names, not sharing..)
He then rubbed dish soap on the tip of his finger and stuck his
finger into the bowl. All of the pepper went away from his finger
towards the edges of the bowl.
Of course our little children were in awe, "Wow! That's cool!
Do it again!" He explained that when they are not nice to others,
then other people will not want to be around them. He then committed
them to be more kind to one another.
Lessons like this are great reminders for our children and just the
fact that you are bringing your family together at least once a week
in order to teach them, will increase the love and harmony in your
home. I know it has for us!
Good Luck!
Parents, Your Attention is Your Biggest Reward!
Here is a great parenting article sent to my by Tom Dozier,
Behaviorist, Parenting Skills Trainer, and Parenting Coach
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Attention is Your Biggest Reward
Your attention is one of the biggest "payoffs" you can give to your
children for their behavior. This is both good and bad. When
children behave in appropriate ways, we sometimes give them
attention, and the attention is a reward that causes them behave
that way more often. When children behave inappropriately, we are
more likely to pay attention to them, and we do this with our
words, touch, time, and emotions. This often takes the form of
correcting, scolding, nagging, having logical discussions,
arguing, questioning, threatening, etc.
Unfortunately, the research in human behavior clearly shows that
this attention is reinforcing or rewarding the very behavior we
want to eliminate. Since parents are about 4 to 5 times more likely
to respond to an inappropriate behavior than to an appropriate
behavior, we often get in the trap of rewarding and building the
very behaviors that annoy and bug us so much.
One great skill for dealing with inappropriate behavior is to give
your attention to another child until the first child starts behaving
appropriately. A mom I was working with told me that as she
arrived home from work, she declared to her 7 and 9 year old kids,
"Hey kids, lets go to the mall tonight and do some Christmas
shopping. As soon as you get your homework done, we can go." The
9 year old piped back, "I'm not doing my homework. I hate
homework!" Calmly, the mom said, "Well, son, that is up to you,
but you will have to deal with your teachers."
She then turned to her 7 year old and said, "What is your homework
tonight?" The 7 year old pulled out her books and mom talked to
her and watched her start her homework." In a few minutes, she
noticed that the 9 year old had started his homework at the other
end of the kitchen table. She walked over, patted the boy on his
shoulder and said, "Thanks for getting started on your homework."
What the mom did was to withhold her attention to the inappropriate
behavior of refusing to start homework. She could have had a long
discussion about the importance of a good education, or tried to
coax the 9 year old into doing his homework. She could have raised
her voice and demanded that he start, or she could have done any of
a number of other responses that would have given more of her words,
touch, time and emotion to the inappropriate behavior. Although any
of these may have gotten the child to start his homework, it would
have been rewarding and building the "complaining about homework"
behavior she disliked.
Also note that once the 9 year old started the appropriate
behavior, the mom walked over and acknowledged the behavior without
any mention of the inappropriate behavior. This is very important
in the long run as it rewards and builds the appropriate behavior.
One important note for teenagers is that you must be very subtle.
If a 14 year old complains about doing homework, and you walk over
to the 11 year old and tell the child how much you appreciate him/her
doing the homework, the 14 year old may just yell, "Hey, I hear
you. I know who you are really talking to. If you want to talk to
me about homework, talk to me and not him!"
Ignoring junk behavior (behavior that does not hurt, damage, or
destroy) can be one of your best parenting tools. Try it, you will
be amazed. If you have some questions about how to apply this
skill, or have a good story to share, please give me a call or send
me an email.
I would love to hear from you, and there is no charge.
Tom Dozier
Behaviorist, Parenting Skills Trainer, and Parenting Coach
Guaranteed Parent Training
5801 Arlene Way
Livermore, CA 94550
925-371-1576
tomdozier@guaranteedpt.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------
We hope you have enjoyed this article. If you would like more
information, feel free to write!
Have a great day!
Behaviorist, Parenting Skills Trainer, and Parenting Coach
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Attention is Your Biggest Reward
Your attention is one of the biggest "payoffs" you can give to your
children for their behavior. This is both good and bad. When
children behave in appropriate ways, we sometimes give them
attention, and the attention is a reward that causes them behave
that way more often. When children behave inappropriately, we are
more likely to pay attention to them, and we do this with our
words, touch, time, and emotions. This often takes the form of
correcting, scolding, nagging, having logical discussions,
arguing, questioning, threatening, etc.
Unfortunately, the research in human behavior clearly shows that
this attention is reinforcing or rewarding the very behavior we
want to eliminate. Since parents are about 4 to 5 times more likely
to respond to an inappropriate behavior than to an appropriate
behavior, we often get in the trap of rewarding and building the
very behaviors that annoy and bug us so much.
One great skill for dealing with inappropriate behavior is to give
your attention to another child until the first child starts behaving
appropriately. A mom I was working with told me that as she
arrived home from work, she declared to her 7 and 9 year old kids,
"Hey kids, lets go to the mall tonight and do some Christmas
shopping. As soon as you get your homework done, we can go." The
9 year old piped back, "I'm not doing my homework. I hate
homework!" Calmly, the mom said, "Well, son, that is up to you,
but you will have to deal with your teachers."
She then turned to her 7 year old and said, "What is your homework
tonight?" The 7 year old pulled out her books and mom talked to
her and watched her start her homework." In a few minutes, she
noticed that the 9 year old had started his homework at the other
end of the kitchen table. She walked over, patted the boy on his
shoulder and said, "Thanks for getting started on your homework."
What the mom did was to withhold her attention to the inappropriate
behavior of refusing to start homework. She could have had a long
discussion about the importance of a good education, or tried to
coax the 9 year old into doing his homework. She could have raised
her voice and demanded that he start, or she could have done any of
a number of other responses that would have given more of her words,
touch, time and emotion to the inappropriate behavior. Although any
of these may have gotten the child to start his homework, it would
have been rewarding and building the "complaining about homework"
behavior she disliked.
Also note that once the 9 year old started the appropriate
behavior, the mom walked over and acknowledged the behavior without
any mention of the inappropriate behavior. This is very important
in the long run as it rewards and builds the appropriate behavior.
One important note for teenagers is that you must be very subtle.
If a 14 year old complains about doing homework, and you walk over
to the 11 year old and tell the child how much you appreciate him/her
doing the homework, the 14 year old may just yell, "Hey, I hear
you. I know who you are really talking to. If you want to talk to
me about homework, talk to me and not him!"
Ignoring junk behavior (behavior that does not hurt, damage, or
destroy) can be one of your best parenting tools. Try it, you will
be amazed. If you have some questions about how to apply this
skill, or have a good story to share, please give me a call or send
me an email.
I would love to hear from you, and there is no charge.
Tom Dozier
Behaviorist, Parenting Skills Trainer, and Parenting Coach
Guaranteed Parent Training
5801 Arlene Way
Livermore, CA 94550
925-371-1576
tomdozier@guaranteedpt.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------
We hope you have enjoyed this article. If you would like more
information, feel free to write!
Have a great day!
The Beauty of Motherhood
Here is a beautiful poem on Motherhood!
---------------------------------------------------------
I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
than twine a chain of diamonds about my [carefree] head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise.
--Meredith Gray, from The Beauty of Motherhood--
---------------------------------------------------------
We have the greatest job on earth!
---------------------------------------------------------
I'd rather be a mother than anyone on earth
Bringing up a child or two of unpretentious birth...
I'd rather tuck a little child all safe and sound in bed
than twine a chain of diamonds about my [carefree] head.
I'd rather wash a smudgy face with round, bright, baby eyes
Than paint the pageantry of fame or walk among the wise.
--Meredith Gray, from The Beauty of Motherhood--
---------------------------------------------------------
We have the greatest job on earth!
Children, Stay in The Light!
I remember many years ago when I went on a water-skiing trip with
some friends at Lake Powell. Among the friends was a young mother with
a toddler. One evening after dark we were all gathered around the
light of a kerosene lantern as we visited with one another. As we
enjoyed each other's company, the young mother kept a close eye on
her little girl who kept trying to toddle away into the darkness.
The mother would reach out for her at the same time calling out,
"Stay in the light, sweetie, stay in the light!"
I have never forgotten those words. After all, isn't that our
responsibility as parents -- to guide our children towards safety and
light so that they don't stumble around, lost in the darkness?
When we teach our children to make correct choices; when we teach them
to pray, love other people, and become responsible citizens, we are
teaching them to "stay in the light." In our church, we teach our
children the following song:
"Teach Me To Walk In the Light"
Teach me to walk in the light of his love;
Teach me to pray to my Father above;
Teach me to know of the things that are right;
Teach me, teach me to walk in the light."
(Children's Songbook P. 177)
I hope and pray that we all teach our children to "walk in the
light."
some friends at Lake Powell. Among the friends was a young mother with
a toddler. One evening after dark we were all gathered around the
light of a kerosene lantern as we visited with one another. As we
enjoyed each other's company, the young mother kept a close eye on
her little girl who kept trying to toddle away into the darkness.
The mother would reach out for her at the same time calling out,
"Stay in the light, sweetie, stay in the light!"
I have never forgotten those words. After all, isn't that our
responsibility as parents -- to guide our children towards safety and
light so that they don't stumble around, lost in the darkness?
When we teach our children to make correct choices; when we teach them
to pray, love other people, and become responsible citizens, we are
teaching them to "stay in the light." In our church, we teach our
children the following song:
"Teach Me To Walk In the Light"
Teach me to walk in the light of his love;
Teach me to pray to my Father above;
Teach me to know of the things that are right;
Teach me, teach me to walk in the light."
(Children's Songbook P. 177)
I hope and pray that we all teach our children to "walk in the
light."
Good Advice for Parents!
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait for tomorrow,
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow.
so quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
--Author Unknown--
Enjoy those precious little ones!
For babies grow up, I've learned, to my sorrow.
so quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
--Author Unknown--
Enjoy those precious little ones!
Every Conflict Offers an Opportunity to Teach
Becky A. Bailey Ph.D.,in her book, "Easy to Love, Difficult to
Discipline" states that, "Every conflict offers an opportunity to
teach."
So when conflicts occur (as they always will) we can say to
ourselves, "Here is an opportunity to teach and learn."
She states: "Every conflict presents you with a choice. You can
choose to view conflict as an opportunity to teach or as an
opportunity to blame and punish. If you set out to punish the "bad
guy," you will destroy your own self-esteem and that of your
children.
If, instead, you use times of conflict as teaching opportunities, you
will enhance your own self-respect and allow your children to
maintain their sense of worth. You will also increase the chance
that, when future conflicts arise, the children will be able to
resolve them without you."
Later on Dr. Bailey writes the following:
*If you catch yourself saying, "How can I make my child _____?"
change the question to, "How can I help my child to be more likely
to choose to _____?"
*Change your "shoulds" to "coulds." Then make a choice.
*Practice allowing others to have their own thought and feelings.
Resist the urge to try and make others happy or convince them you
have all the answers."
Dr. Bailey goes on to explain how to go about doing this in her book.
If you would be interested in reading it then you can review it here:
Have a great day!
Wendy Jensen
http://www.firstratefamily.com
P.S. To preview this and other parenting books click here!
Discipline" states that, "Every conflict offers an opportunity to
teach."
So when conflicts occur (as they always will) we can say to
ourselves, "Here is an opportunity to teach and learn."
She states: "Every conflict presents you with a choice. You can
choose to view conflict as an opportunity to teach or as an
opportunity to blame and punish. If you set out to punish the "bad
guy," you will destroy your own self-esteem and that of your
children.
If, instead, you use times of conflict as teaching opportunities, you
will enhance your own self-respect and allow your children to
maintain their sense of worth. You will also increase the chance
that, when future conflicts arise, the children will be able to
resolve them without you."
Later on Dr. Bailey writes the following:
*If you catch yourself saying, "How can I make my child _____?"
change the question to, "How can I help my child to be more likely
to choose to _____?"
*Change your "shoulds" to "coulds." Then make a choice.
*Practice allowing others to have their own thought and feelings.
Resist the urge to try and make others happy or convince them you
have all the answers."
Dr. Bailey goes on to explain how to go about doing this in her book.
If you would be interested in reading it then you can review it here:
Have a great day!
Wendy Jensen
http://www.firstratefamily.com
P.S. To preview this and other parenting books click here!
Just Hold My Hand
Here are a couple of sweet accounts that were sent to me from my
friend Jenny Condie. They are included in my book, "Celebrating
Motherhood." For a sneak peek, go to:
http://www.celebratingmother.com/products/ebook.htm
------------------------------------------------------------------
When Jaden, our oldest son was about to turn 4, it seemed so old to
me. I said to him, "Jaden, I don't know if I'm ready for a
4-year-old. What will I do when you turn 4?" The wise answer I
got from my little boy was, "Just hold my hand." Since that
occasion, and through the years I have come to realize that that is
a great lesson in parenting. We can endlessly try to push our
children into doing what we want them to, or we can develop a close
companionship with them and lead them by the hand through their
lessons in life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
When Jaden was four years old, he kept asking me to get things for
him or help him with this and that. After I finally got him and
his brother cleaned up from their lunch, I sat down in hopes to
finish my own. Jaden again began calling, "Mommy...Mommy..."
After ignoring him a few times, I finally responded with a little
annoyance, "What??" In his innocent little voice, he answered
"Thank you for being my hero." The little things we do as mothers
for our children can seem insignificant and even bothersome at
times, but in the eyes of our little ones, we are simply heroic!
--Jenny Condie--
-------------------------------------------------------------------
These are just a couple of the many sweet stories that are
included in my book "Celebrating Motherhood." You can read the
first 14 pages for free here:
http://www.celebratingmother.com/products/ebook.htm
friend Jenny Condie. They are included in my book, "Celebrating
Motherhood." For a sneak peek, go to:
http://www.celebratingmother.com/products/ebook.htm
------------------------------------------------------------------
When Jaden, our oldest son was about to turn 4, it seemed so old to
me. I said to him, "Jaden, I don't know if I'm ready for a
4-year-old. What will I do when you turn 4?" The wise answer I
got from my little boy was, "Just hold my hand." Since that
occasion, and through the years I have come to realize that that is
a great lesson in parenting. We can endlessly try to push our
children into doing what we want them to, or we can develop a close
companionship with them and lead them by the hand through their
lessons in life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
When Jaden was four years old, he kept asking me to get things for
him or help him with this and that. After I finally got him and
his brother cleaned up from their lunch, I sat down in hopes to
finish my own. Jaden again began calling, "Mommy...Mommy..."
After ignoring him a few times, I finally responded with a little
annoyance, "What??" In his innocent little voice, he answered
"Thank you for being my hero." The little things we do as mothers
for our children can seem insignificant and even bothersome at
times, but in the eyes of our little ones, we are simply heroic!
--Jenny Condie--
-------------------------------------------------------------------
These are just a couple of the many sweet stories that are
included in my book "Celebrating Motherhood." You can read the
first 14 pages for free here:
http://www.celebratingmother.com/products/ebook.htm
Don't Quit!
This morning my children were running around the house chasing each
other, laughing and screaming. I was in the middle of trying to get
breakfast finished, the baby's diaper changed, lunches made, and the
little ones dressed. I am sure that you all can relate! The neighbor
was over in preparation for doing some work on our house and looked
at me and asked in all sincerity, "How in the world do you keep your
sanity?" I've asked myself the same question -- or just consign
myself to the fact that I am officially "going crazy!" Here is a
fun little poem that teaches the important lessons of hanging in there
and not giving up, no matter what our circumstance!
Don't Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit...
Success is failure turned inside out.
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems to far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit.
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!
--Author Unknown--
Hang in there -- you can do it!
other, laughing and screaming. I was in the middle of trying to get
breakfast finished, the baby's diaper changed, lunches made, and the
little ones dressed. I am sure that you all can relate! The neighbor
was over in preparation for doing some work on our house and looked
at me and asked in all sincerity, "How in the world do you keep your
sanity?" I've asked myself the same question -- or just consign
myself to the fact that I am officially "going crazy!" Here is a
fun little poem that teaches the important lessons of hanging in there
and not giving up, no matter what our circumstance!
Don't Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit...
Success is failure turned inside out.
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems to far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit.
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!
--Author Unknown--
Hang in there -- you can do it!
Secrets to a Sweeter Meal-Time!
We all know how important meal times are in keeping our family close
and united. Here are several ideas sent in to "Chicken Soup For The
Soul" on how to do just that! Click Here!
Enjoy!
and united. Here are several ideas sent in to "Chicken Soup For The
Soul" on how to do just that! Click Here!
Enjoy!
Family Traditions
Here is a fun little tradition sent in by the Poppleton family!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One tradition we kind of stumbled into is "stay up time." Each of
our children has a designated night to stay up half an hour after the
others have gone to bed. It is their "stay up time" and they get to
decide what to do with Mom and Dad's full attention.
Sometimes we play a game - perhaps a board game, a video game, or
even one the child made up on the spot, sometimes it's a play where
Mommy and Daddy happily play whatever part they are assigned, sometimes
they just go out for ice cream with one parent.
It was a little sacrifice for us as parents, but it's amazing how much
the kids look forward to it. They are even excited for each other's
night because it means their night is next!
The Poppleton Family
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for passing along that wonderful tradition! For more
information on family traditions please go to:
http://www.firstratefamily.com/articles
-------------------------------------------------------------------
One tradition we kind of stumbled into is "stay up time." Each of
our children has a designated night to stay up half an hour after the
others have gone to bed. It is their "stay up time" and they get to
decide what to do with Mom and Dad's full attention.
Sometimes we play a game - perhaps a board game, a video game, or
even one the child made up on the spot, sometimes it's a play where
Mommy and Daddy happily play whatever part they are assigned, sometimes
they just go out for ice cream with one parent.
It was a little sacrifice for us as parents, but it's amazing how much
the kids look forward to it. They are even excited for each other's
night because it means their night is next!
The Poppleton Family
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for passing along that wonderful tradition! For more
information on family traditions please go to:
http://www.firstratefamily.com/articles
10 Ticket Clean-Up!
Here is a great idea sent in by Nicole Humes!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Wendy-
I recently tried something new and it worked like a charm! At one
point last week my house was completely upside down. My husband
joked and said it was like running the gauntlet - having to dodge
clothes, shoes, toys . . . you name it, on the floor just to get
from one end of the house to the other. We had to do something. I
initiated the first "10 ticket clean-up."
The timer was set for 15 minutes. Each child was given 10 tickets.
At the end of the 15 minutes, I collected a ticket for each item I
found from the owner of that item. It worked great! We have had a
second clean up - when we had only a 30 minute warning for home
teachers to come over. The kids knew the drill this time - it
worked even better the second time. This is a great way to get my
house in order quickly! Thanks so much for introducing our family
to this great system.
Nicole
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for that great idea Nicole! I love to hear your success
stories, so keep them coming (and thank you all so much for the
sweet letters!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Wendy-
I recently tried something new and it worked like a charm! At one
point last week my house was completely upside down. My husband
joked and said it was like running the gauntlet - having to dodge
clothes, shoes, toys . . . you name it, on the floor just to get
from one end of the house to the other. We had to do something. I
initiated the first "10 ticket clean-up."
The timer was set for 15 minutes. Each child was given 10 tickets.
At the end of the 15 minutes, I collected a ticket for each item I
found from the owner of that item. It worked great! We have had a
second clean up - when we had only a 30 minute warning for home
teachers to come over. The kids knew the drill this time - it
worked even better the second time. This is a great way to get my
house in order quickly! Thanks so much for introducing our family
to this great system.
Nicole
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for that great idea Nicole! I love to hear your success
stories, so keep them coming (and thank you all so much for the
sweet letters!)
Encouraging Our Children's Individuality
Here is some advice sent in from Sujatha:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Wendy,
Thank you for the GOLD principle of parenting. My children have
grown up. I will recollect a few incidents & inform you. I have
twin girls. When they were 3-4 years old, I used to buy similar
dresses for both of them, as it is appealing to the eyes and I liked
the thought of giving equal significance to both of them.
Later on when they were seven years old, however, they told me that
I shouldn't purchase similar clothes for them, as they have their own
individuality and preferences.
Then I started buying two different ones and it was their choice to
select the ones they like. I learned the great lesson of
individuality and uniqueness of each child (even among twins) and the
respect the parent should give for it instead of inducing similar
behavior patterns.
After that each time I used to ask their preferences before making
decisions. It is continued even now. Let us respect the uniqueness of
each child and modify ourselves to promote it!
Regards,
Sujatha
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks Sujatha for helping us learn from your experiences! We all
have so much to share to help each other be the best parents we can
be!
Have a great day!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Wendy,
Thank you for the GOLD principle of parenting. My children have
grown up. I will recollect a few incidents & inform you. I have
twin girls. When they were 3-4 years old, I used to buy similar
dresses for both of them, as it is appealing to the eyes and I liked
the thought of giving equal significance to both of them.
Later on when they were seven years old, however, they told me that
I shouldn't purchase similar clothes for them, as they have their own
individuality and preferences.
Then I started buying two different ones and it was their choice to
select the ones they like. I learned the great lesson of
individuality and uniqueness of each child (even among twins) and the
respect the parent should give for it instead of inducing similar
behavior patterns.
After that each time I used to ask their preferences before making
decisions. It is continued even now. Let us respect the uniqueness of
each child and modify ourselves to promote it!
Regards,
Sujatha
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks Sujatha for helping us learn from your experiences! We all
have so much to share to help each other be the best parents we can
be!
Have a great day!
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