Creating Healthy Emotional Bonds in Families

My friend, Valerie Chandler, (who is a wonderful Mom) wrote this post
in her blog and I thought it was so good that I asked if I could send
it along to you!
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I heard a BYU Family Expo rebroadcast on Sunday that, I swear, was
plunked right into my path on purpose and for my benefit. (James
Harper, BYU professor, Family Expo 2003 "Creating Healthy Emotional
Bonds in Families") It was on healthy emotional development, and as
a child development concept, I found it very useful. It was so
academic that I had to focus really hard on what Brother Harper was
saying. After I got the four little ones to bed, I went to the
couch with a pen and paper in hand. Here is what he taught me--

Brother Harper discussed the development of emotional connections
and control. He explained that there are three "spurts" of brain
growth that regulate emotional systems and determine social skills.
These "spurts" are times where the brain in malleable in learning
emotional regulation. The ages are: newborn to 18 months old, about
four years old, and early adolescence.

Brother Harper examined the behaviors and tactics for secure
bonding in infants. He seemed to imply that the same productive
things we do to bond with infants are the same techniques we must
employ in order to produce healthy emotional children, teens, adult
interactions, and marriages. But, using the techniques are
especially important during these three "spurt" times. I paid
careful attention since I have several adolescents that I want to
develop into emotionally healthy individuals.

Again, using infants as the easy to understand model--

1) Eye Gazing

Focusing on the child intently, meeting her/his attention, spending
time just gazing into eyes and chattering/talking, play.

2) Attention vs Inattention

Brother Harper said that babies have times when they are engaged
and times when they are disengaged. That is normal and important.
He said that a parent need to synchronize her/his times of
attention and inattention to that of the child's. When the baby is
disengaged he is learning to assimilate, develop his brain and
self-sooth. That time alone is vital to healthy emotional development.

3) Using soothing behaviors when crying or fussy.

Brother Harper said to never miss an opportunity to sooth a
distressed baby (or teen). Knowing that someone is there to meet
those emotional needs builds trust and strength. He said that
"touch is a message system for quieting and for alerting." It works
great for babies to be held, rocked, and cuddled, and, it works
great for all of us. He said that we should be looking at moments
of distressed behaviors as times for closeness and nurturing, like
we do when a baby is sad. We pick her/him up and comfort.

I found this talk so helpful because I hadn't known that such
important emotional development was happening in early adolescence.
I also didn't know that infant tactics are effective ways to
respond to teens, too.

I appreciated the reminder to allow teens the opportunity to
assimilate information independently and self-sooth by allowing
them to disengage. It's good to know that it is ok to walk-away
when the child has turned off. I think that I talk at my kids too
long. Also, I can do better at using soothing and nurturing during
times of stress. I would be a more effective parent by gathering
the child in instead of doing so much lecturing and counseling in
these situations. I guess this philosophy gives new meaning to
"babying" your teenagers.

Brother Harper promised that "Big changes in you (the parent) lead
to even larger changes in children."

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Thank you for that wonderful post, Valerie! There is so much that
we as parents can learn from each other!

For more parenting information, see our web-site at:
http://www.firstratefamily.com

Your friend,

Wendy